Last week, Eminem suspended his long-running feuds with Chris Kirkpatrick of ‘N Sync and all women everywhere to flamethrow a scorching hot verse at a worthier target: Donald Trump. Little did Eminem know that he would awaken a sleeping giant—or more like a sleeping guy who crashed on your couch and you’re not sure which roommate’s friend it is or if the guy just wandered in off the street.
What I’m alluding to, of course, is the deep bench of conservative personalities hocking lyrical loogies in Eminem’s general direction. A series of mostly pale, mostly male true believers are donning their MAGA hats to defend Donald Trump’s honor through the art of rap. They paint a picture with words, and that picture is of Pepe the Frog vomiting an American flag into the punchbowl of a party nobody showed up to. It is unclear whether these people think their audience is the #StillWithHer crowd or their own followers. Either way, they rap as passionately as they might if Eminem had called them out for tweeting about the NFL instead of helping Puerto Rico, and was awaiting their response.
Though Eminem surely has better things to do, I’m having fun imagining how deftly he’d flick off these fleas if given the chance. In the meantime, have a listen to the rap-like utterings below–which range from merely terrible to racist disgraces.
Mark Dice
https://twitter.com/MarkDice/status/917946782801313792
Mark Dice is a perpetually angry person who uses suspicious statistics about black-on-white crime in an attempt to rationalize his racism. Although the above attempt to mock decades-old ebonics merely suggests he does not know what hip-hop is, the song he once wrote at Talib Kweli confirms it.
Mike Cernovich
https://twitter.com/Cernovich/status/918168173643382784
https://twitter.com/Cernovich/status/918174742724558848
https://twitter.com/Cernovich/status/918176693671436288
Alt-right pizzagater and mindset expert Mike Cernovich, who has been to the White House, weirdly decided to steer his Eminem response in the direction of . . . Harvey Weinstein. Finally, someone brave enough to ask the question: Where was Eminem while Weinstein was committing his alleged sex crimes?
Baked Alaska
https://twitter.com/bakedalaska/status/918001374771650560
Baked Alaska is a Charlottesville-marching charlatan who never stops embarrassing himself. “BET? Is that even a channel? I would rather waste time watching white girls in flannel. That would be racist, so we’re not gonna talk about that.” Whoops, you just did talk about that. Also, he sounds like a Ninja Turtle in an early-’90s PSA, rapping about how his anti-drug is “pizza.”
Steven Crowder
This is sort of a rapped response, but not exactly. It’s a parody of Eminem’s verse, but the joke is that this version of Eminem is having a crisis of conscience about whether what he’s saying is any good. “You just called the President of the United States a big ol’ bitch–black people love that,” says his coach or manager at one point. Woof. It’s a searing indictment of . . . how a conservative YouTuber thinks Eminem feels?
Diamond and Silk
Perhaps Trump’s most prominent and loyal WOC supporters Diamond and Silk were ready to respond to Eminem immediately. They hit back at first by noting that his name sounds like candy, and then repeating over and over that Trump is, in fact, president.
Joshua Feuerstein
Feuerstein is literally the kind of person who gets offended by Starbucks cups, and his rapping reflects that in every way. He takes Eminem to task for calling Trump racist while the rapper himself makes fun of Trump’s orange skin—a transgression Feuerstein considers on the same level as racial bigotry. To further prove that unlike Eminem, Feuerstein is not racist, he adds the lyric: “Your music has probably killed as many black kids as your homey Planned Parenthood.” The saddest part, though, is that you can hear his baby crying in the background.
Some Black Guy (his actual handle, not what I’m choosing to call him)
To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what is happening here. Some Black Guy, a YouTuber who is “Pro free speech and Logic,” is at least somewhat upset with Eminem, but his rhymes are all over the place. “Unicorns, tranny porn, Xbox 1, PS4.” This is the defense against Eminem Trump deserves.
Officer Brandon Tatum
Phoenix police officer Brandon Tatum starts his verse off on the wrong foot: “Look, Slim Shady, you a nobody.” I mean, it’s understandable to not agree with what Eminem said if you’re a conservative, but he’s sold tens of millions of records and you just called him by his nickname. He’s not a nobody. Tatum spends the rest of his time despairing over, among other things, the state of hip-hop in Trump’s America: “There’s no real rappers left, I remember Common and Mos Def, now the liberals gotten to them and they can’t think for themselves.” Truly sad how famously conservative rapper/actors Common and Mos Def have changed their stripes since the liberals got to them.
InfoWars
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJ2UWQTF2qE
Finally, we have what is perhaps the worst of the worst: InfoWars (sigh) “‘rap’orter” Millie Weaver bringing that special Alex Jones touch to hip-hop. She alternately raps in scolding singsong couplets like “Eminem, you think you’re woke, but you’re really just a joke,” accuses Em of being an “Illuminati jihadi,” and hawking InfoWars brain pills.
If any Eminem fans were somehow torn about whether to side with him or Trump in this (so far) one-sided feud, I only hope they listen to the rapping of Trump’s most ardent fans before making their minds up.
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