3 steps for getting unstuck, according to a decision scientist

From feeling frustrated by a situation at work to not being sure what you want to do next, everyone gets stuck from time to time. Realizing that you’re stuck, however, is hard to do, especially if you’ve experienced a fair level of success in life, says Constance Dierickx, Ph.D., author of Meta-Leadership: How to See What Others Don’t and Make Great Decisions.

“It’s hard to identify because we’re human,” she says. “If you are smart, successful, and experienced, you have a history that you can point to in your mind, and say, ‘Well, I did this and I did that.’ The idea that you’re stuck can be rather unimaginable and unpalatable for many people.”

Admitting that you’re stuck is an unpleasant realization because it leads to feelings of inadequacy and shame, says Dierickx. As a result, a lot of people put off making a decision that would get you unstuck, choosing, instead, to live with the unhappiness.

“I hear a lot of directors or CEOs who say, ‘I wish I’d acted sooner,’” says Dierickx. “They didn’t want all these bad things to happen. For example, when a senior executive fires another senior executive, they usually say, ‘I wish I’d done it sooner. Why did I wait so long?’ That’s being stuck in a big way.”

2 Clues that You’re Stuck

Dierickx says there are two ways to tell if you’re stuck. One is internal and the other is external.

“Unfortunately, a lot of the time it comes externally,” she says. “It’s when someone else tells you that they’re sick and tired of waiting for you to solve X problem or make a move on Y opportunity.”

Another hint comes from within; it’s an internal push. “Pay attention to what you’re feeling,” says Dierickx. “I’m referring to those early physiological cues where the hair on the back of your neck stands up, your stomach flips over, your hands tingle. Usually we push those signals aside. But if you’re in a situation of high importance, pay attention to it and say, ‘Wait a second, am I stuck?’”

3 Steps for Getting Unstuck

To get unstuck, Dierickx shares a three-part process, which involves thinking about thinking, emotional regulation, and habits.

“When you are stuck, ask yourself, ‘How am I thinking about this? Is that the way I want to be thinking about it? Are there ways to think about it that are different?’” she says. “If you can’t come up with any, is there someone you can talk to?”

Next, consider the sensations you have around the issue. “What are the people around you feeling?” asks Dierickx. “What are your colleagues feeling? This helps you start to be able to identify the pressure you feel from others, and your own emotion about that pressure. It’s a little easier if you put some distance in it.”

Finally, ask yourself, “What do I usually do when things like this happen?” Or, “What are people advising me to do in this situation?” By exploring the habits that you have developed, you can review them objectively and decide if they still provide value.

“It’s really a process of reflection,” says Dierickx. “We get in the habit of reacting to things. This works a lot of the time, but you can’t do that all of the time.”

Getting unstuck requires effort. “If something makes us anxious, we want to get rid of the anxiety,” says Dierickx. “The idea that you’re going to interrogate a situation or spend time on it can feel like it’s not worth it when you can just push it to the side. We feel better until the next time something happens that provokes the same anxiety.”

Dierickx recommends finding a trusted adviser who can help push you through that anxiety and on the path to finding a solution. Using the three steps can simplify the decision-making process.

“Things that are simple are not necessarily lacking in power to make change,” says Dierickx. “They don’t have to take a long time. We need simple, powerful things to latch on to because we are all living with so much input, we’re living in a reality distortion field. This is a way to shine a light on what’s most important.”