Feedback can be like medicine. It’s meant to help you get better, but it can be tough going down. If you’re the one giving it, it can be tricky to phrase your input in a way that’s welcome, especially if the feedback is unsolicited.
Feedback is hard to receive because of our biology and our psychology, say Pete Berridge and Jen Ostrich, coauthors of Feedback Reimagined: Transform Your Organization Through Positive Psychology and Social Support.
“Our brain developed to keep us alive,” says Berridge. “If you look at neuroscience, the same areas of our brain that light up for physical threats also light up under a social threat, like status. All those areas are affected by feedback.”
Our brains also have a negativity bias. When someone says they want to offer feedback, it’s natural to hear their words through a negative filter. “It just makes for a difficult conversation,” says Berridge. “It sounds like an easy concept to go from what’s broken to what the solution is, but we simply don’t do that with one another.”
How feedback is received can also be generational, adds Ostrich. “Millennials came on the scene expecting frequent feedback and feedback in a certain way, based on the way they grew up,” she says. “They were met with the older generations that weren’t used to getting a ton of developmental feedback. And if they were getting it, they were getting in a way that was more triggering than coaching to become more effective.”
Before You Deliver Feedback
Before you start a conversation, the authors say it’s important to realize that feedback is relative and relational to you. “It’s not objective, and it’s not truth,” says Berridge. “What I’m looking for from someone is going to be different than what you’re looking for from them or from what they’re looking for from you.”
The first line of questioning, therefore, should be your own assumption. Do you want the person to fix something to benefit them or is it because it will make you more comfortable?
The next thing you need to understand is that if you want someone else to change, you also need to change, says Berridge. “Ask yourself, ‘What can I do to support that change?’” he says.
Then, move from the problem to the solution, creating a plan with action items for everyone involved. For example, if you’re asking someone to change the way they work on a project, you may ask them ping you at the end of the day with their progress or give you a brief update on a weekly basis. Then, your responsibility would be to review and respond within a certain timeframe.
“When you see it behaviorally in your own mind’s eye, it’s much easier than to convey to the other person that this is what I’m looking for from you,” says Berridge. “You’re putting it in relationship to yourself.”
Entering the Feedback Conversation
Once you’ve checked your assumptions and created a comprehensive plan, it’s time to enter a conversation. When you approach someone, Ostrich says it’s good to avoid using the word “feedback.” “Set the conversation up a little bit better,” she says. “For example, ‘Hey, could we debrief a few things from that meeting?’ Or, ‘Hey, could I make a suggestion.’ Be cognizant of the language in which you enter the dialogue, depending on who the person is or what the relationship is.”
Research from Harvard found that the word “feedback” compared to “advice” has a marked difference on how a person receives it. “Feedback is backward looking and is evaluative,” adds Berridge. “Advice is forward-looking and developmental.”
You also need to make sure the person understands your intent. “We have a little saying that with the right intent, you can say any content,” says Ostrich. “Sometimes people are apt to just jump right into the feedback conversation, but just take a beat. Express that your intent is about helping them grow, get to that next level, or to be their most effective.”
It helps to offer to be an ally. “As their peer, manager or whomever, let them know you want to help,” says Ostrich. “Offering a suggestion and offering a way to play a part in it often helps defuse someone’s feelings and keeps them from being defensive.”
For example, you can say, “You know, you’re really good at engaging people and watching what’s happening in the room. I’d love to see you do more of that. How can I help?”
If you make sure to convey your intent, Berridge says you don’t have to worry so much about delivering a feedback “sandwich.” “Go to them with your intent,” he says. “Once you do that, you can say it however you want. Your intention will come through, regardless of your words.”
Finally, the authors recommend creating psychological safety by being willing to be vulnerable. For example, admit some of your own mishaps.
“Remember that we’re human beings,” says Ostrich. “If somebody’s reacting on the defensive or they’re feeling triggered, it’s probably because they’re scared or they’re wondering if they’re going to lose their job. Get really human about it. Ask if it’s a good time. By making an effort to create the right setting, you’ll be more successful delivering your feedback.”
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