More than 90% of Fortune 500 companies have mentoring programs, according to a study by MentorcliQ. Mentorships can be a good way to keep employees engaged at work and moving forward in their careers.
Unfortunately, all mentors are not created equal. Since mentoring is almost always voluntary, not everyone who signs up is suited for the role, says Ashton Brown, head of programs and community at Hyper, an early-stage accelerator program.
“Just like not everyone who becomes a manager or leader is experienced in or suited to the role,” she says, adding that a mentor who is a good match for one person can be an imperfect or even toxic-feeling match for someone else.
Mentees should go into the relationship knowing that mentors can be for a season, a reason, or a lifetime, says Rosina Racioppi, president and CEO of Women Unlimited, a leadership development agency. “If it’s for a reason, and you’ve run it out for that reason, you just need to move on,” she says. “[The mentee] should be evaluating their relationships on an ongoing basis, and modifying those relationships over time to ensure that they’re serving their purpose for how they want to craft and grow their career.”
Here are six signs that your mentor relationship isn’t a good one:
1. Your Mentor Doesn’t Value Your Input
A mentor who engages in derogatory or dismissive communication can create a toxic relationship, says Brown.
“You, your experience, and your feelings matter,” she says. “Sometimes, there may be a misalignment in communication style, but it’s not a good sign if your mentor regularly dismisses the way you feel or your experience of a situation.”
2. Your Mentor Doesn’t Listen
Someone with poor listening skills may also be a bad mentor, says Clarissa Tejeda, director of employer relations and community outreach at Texas A&M University-San Antonio’s Mays Center for Experiential Learning and Community Engagement.
“A good mentor does not need to dominate the conversation,” she says. “The focus should be a give and take between mentor and mentee with a strong emphasis on active listening. Look for a mentor who will not only offer advice, but also ask plenty of questions.”
3. Your Mentor Thinks They Always Know Best
Another sign that your mentor relationship is toxic is if the mentor practices a my-way-or-the-highway approach, says Brown.
“A good mentor can take a cue and understand when pushing their perspective is doing more harm than good,” she says. “Great mentors are actually great coaches. They’ll ask questions to understand context, tell stories about times they experienced similar challenges, and help mentees navigate to find their own answers and path forward.”
4. Your Mentor Talks Negatively About You to Others
Mentor relationships should be built on trust. If you discover that the mentor is talking about you negatively or disclosing your discussions to others, it’s probably time to move on, says Brown.
“Confidentiality is an important part of the mentoring relationship,” she says. “Unless you’ve discussed otherwise, your mentor shouldn’t share the details of your discussions with others, especially with others at your workplace.”
5. Your Mentor Doesn’t Challenge You to Grow
Someone who doesn’t challenge you or hold you accountable is also bad, says Tejeda. “An invested mentor is someone who wants and expects follow-through from you every step of the way,” she says. “They bring a growth-minded, solution-focused approach to challenging you in becoming an even stronger professional.”
Be sure you aren’t labeling a challenging mentor as toxic, adds Racioppi. “Sometimes a mentor may tell us things that we don’t like to hear, but it may be the truth we need to hear,” she says. “So are we feeling that the relationship is toxic because this person really is not a good leader—or are they telling us things that we need to hear?”
6. Your Mentor Leaves You Feeling Drained
The most important thing is to listen to and believe in yourself, says Jeff Temple, a licensed psychologist, and the founding director of the Center for Violence Prevention at University of Texas Medical Branch.
“If you feel drained or self-doubting or just plain gross after most interactions with your mentor, then that’s a pretty good sign that you’re in a toxic relationship,” he says. “Mentors should acknowledge the accomplishments of, and encourage, their mentees to do good work. If instead, your mentor is taking credit for, or denigrating, your work, then it may be time to question the relationship.”
How to End the Relationship
If you have been assigned a mentor through an internal employer program and you want to disengage, Racioppi says you need to be careful that you don’t send the message inadvertently, around your engagement and desire to grow in the organization.
“Be savvy about how you manage the relationship,” she says. “If it’s something that’s visible in the organization, and your mentor is someone that is influential, you may want to be delicate about how you have the conversation that the relationship isn’t providing you with what you were hoping for.”
Temple agrees: “There are repercussions for changing mentors, including gaslighting and the assumption that you’re not a team player,” he says. “It may be necessary to find an additional mentor, who can then provide mentorship on dealing with toxic mentors.”
Follow up with the coordinator of that program and ask for their advice in working with this person, suggests Jill Gugino Panté, director of the University of Delaware’s Lerner Career Services Center.
“If you feel you have done your due diligence in being a good mentee, then ask the coordinator to be matched with a new mentor,” she says. “You are your best advocate, so don’t give up on the program just because you were matched with one bad mentor.”
End the relationship professionally. “Send them a note thanking them for their time and explain in general terms that you are moving in a different direction or have different needs and therefore need to end this specific mentoring relationship,” says Gugino Panté. “You don’t need to overexplain why you are ending the relationship, but be up front and appreciative. They may have acted unprofessional, but that doesn’t mean you have to act that way.”
Remember that mentors are human and they’re fallible, says Racioppi. “I don’t think anybody has gone through these past three years unscathed,” she says. “We’re all carrying our own baggage, and some has a lot of negative weight to it. Don’t let your mentor’s negative perspective be your negative perspective.”
Instead, be proactive about identifying your own path, she says. “From the moment you start your career, look for those individuals who can fill in your gaps of understanding,” she says. “Identify those people in your organization, industry, and professional life who can serve as mentors. If you wait to be given one, you’re already behind the eight ball.”
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