Put that America down. The United States of Brewskies has a new official beer. It’s Natural Light’s “Naturdays,” a strawberry lemonade-flavored beer.
The new beer’s packaging is Warhol-esque, with pink flamingos raining over an ombre aluminum can–a can which is finished in jarring yellow and red ribbons of text slapped on top. The whole thing looks like it was designed by a 13-year-old in Instagram Stories. And not one of those talented 13-year-olds who go to an elite arts magnet school and who will be our bosses by the age of 22. This 13-year-old is playing Edward Fortyhands with twin guns of Natty Light as we speak.
Each element is uniquely acrid, but the can’s fatal flaw is probably that it’s a bit too honest about what’s inside: the cheapest beer you can buy, infused with the essence of I-don’t-want-to-know-what. I can picture the head brewer standing over a massive steel tank, chewing a giant wad of Bubblelicious and spitting it into the vat below.
And then there’s the name itself, “Naturdays.” It should be ironic, the type of thing I can laugh along with. I’m supposed to say, “It’s Naturday, honey! Let’s go to the beach and sit in the sun until we both vomit up what I assume is a Crystal Light pack dumped into Milwaukee’s Best!” We laugh, but then we actually go to the beach and do exactly that. But in 2019, the prospect of Naturday fills me with existential dread. A Naturday sounds like a Monday when I was unemployed and spending the day getting a root canal for which I got to pay out-of-pocket. Great job to the marketing departments of undrinkable beer everywhere: You have ruined both Saturdays and cheap beer in one fell swoop!
In any case, the name is terrible. The design is terrible. The beer is probably terrible. But it gets worse, friends. Because you haven’t even seen the Naturdays NASCAR yet:
I guess maybe I’m not a *fun* millennial anymore, and I wonder if anyone is. The jokes have worn thin. I can no longer stomach brands that pretend to get me with vapid, self-deprecating humor. I’m more vapid than you will ever be, Big Beer! I’ve been posting tasteless Instagram Stories since before this marketing strategy was born. Don’t even try it.