A few weeks ago, I was solo-hiking with my dog when I realized I was encountering a first date. As I quickly gained on a pair of slow walkers, I heard a pony-tailed 20-something woman ask her male hiking partner, “When was your last relationship?” Almost before he could spit out his response, she quickly followed up, “And why did that relationship end?” I eavesdropped intently as he spoke about his ex being aimless and having no real passions, but I was less interested in his response than how upfront the woman—who looked not older than 25—was in her approach.
She’s far from the only one. Scenarios like this are becoming more common over time: The rise of dating apps has forever changed not only the way singles meet, but also what they want and how they approach finding it. An endless barrage of profiles means a more appealing match could always be just a swipe away. That may be added incentive for those who struggle with commitment to keep swiping well into their 80s—but for an ever-growing population of women who seem to know exactly what they want, and what they don’t, more options allow for heightened standards, and the need to be direct about them.
That’s as married women have been increasingly vocal over the past decade about what modern wifehood and motherhood feel like. Blogs, articles, and discussions about disproportionate child-rearing and household duties falling to women, regardless of whether they earn as much as their male counterparts (a situation that’s becoming more common year after year), started gaining traction. Then came Gemma Hartley’s 2018 book, Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and The Way Forward, which blew open a conversation about how heavily “the mental load” really weighs on women.
Hartley tells Fast Company that the decisive approach to dating is “such a fair reaction” to the reality of lopsided home lives being put on blast. She says that “culturally changing how we view (or don’t view) marriage and kids as the be-all and end-all goal in women’s lives is ultimately going to lead to more fulfilling lives and more intentionally chosen relationships.”
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