You may have heard the terms “work wife,” “work husband,” or “work spouse.” You may have even had a colleague that you once called your “work spouse.”
Terms such as these are falling out of fashion. The question is: Is “work spouse” still appropriate, simply out of style, or just plain offensive? The answer is mixed. For many, the use of the term is based on good intentions, but its impact may not be ideal.
The root of these terms can be traced back to the 1920s and 1930s. For instance, the 1929 romance novel The Office Wife by Faith Baldwin tells the story of a love triangle between a wife, a husband, and a secretary. And a 1933 New York Times article by Philip Whitwell Wilson credits U.K. Prime Minister William Ewart Gladstone for using the term “office wife” to describe the ideal relationship between a prime minister and his secretary. Over the next several decades, the term often carried gendered connotations of subservience and subordination.
Today, a work spouse is understood to be a coworker with whom you have a strong and trusting bond. It’s probably someone you’ve worked with for a longer period of time and the person who understands you and supports your success. A work spouse relationship doesn’t have to be gendered, and people probably don’t mean to imply a power difference—but it’s wise to be aware of unintended perceptions of the term.
Here’s why the term “work spouse” is dead—and what to use instead.
The science of work relationships
Of course, it is completely rational to create close relationships at work.
Studies suggest that proximity is one of the most significant drivers of relationships. The people you see most often, chat with regularly, and work with consistently tend to be those with whom you have the strongest relationships. It makes sense: You know what’s going on in their life, you understand what may be driving their mood, you know their strengths and weaknesses. In short, you get them. It’s logical then, that 75% of people say they make most of their friends at work, according to a poll by YouGov.
You’re also likely to make a close friend at work because of similarities. Research repeatedly shows that you tend to be most attracted to people you perceive to be similar to yourself. And interestingly, people tend to gravitate to professions based on personality characteristics. As a result, those you work with most closely in your team or department are likely to share attributes with you, and therefore be natural friends.
Plus, friendship takes time to build. A close relationship takes about 60 hours of investment, according to a study published in Human Communication Research, so when you’re working together over days, weeks and years, it’s natural you would develop a strong bond.
Interestingly, when you have a strong relationship with colleagues, it tends to spill over into your life with your real spouse. An intriguing study published in Applied Psychology found when you have a great relationship with a friend at work, you’ll be more likely to build a strong positive relationship with your husband, wife, or partner.
So, it’s certainly legitimate to develop a strong bond with colleagues and even a key coworker with whom you work most closely. But there are some considerations for these relationships as well.
Avoid restrictive labels
While you may value your close relationship with your friend at work, I recommend you do not label it. First, most people do not want to be labeled. What’s more, the problem with categorizing is it can be limiting and suggest connotations you don’t mean.
When you call your colleague a “work wife,” you may mean that you value and trust her contribution, but based on this historic context of the word, some may think you expect her to take care of you—or even be subservient to you. Choosing a more neutral term like coworker can help you avoid connotations you don’t mean.
In addition, language tends to drive how people think about things. This is often called “linguistic determinism”—and it can affect behavior and choices unintentionally. When you manage your language, so it doesn’t invite negative judgment or incite disagreement, it contributes to your professionalism, credibility, and a more positive work experience.
Avoid exclusivity
Another problem with labels like “work husband” or even “best friend” are they can limit your other relationships. You want to have room in your life for more than one good friend. And you especially want to have many strong relationships at work.
When you describe a relationship as exclusive, you may inadvertently shut down other relationships. If you brag about having a “work spouse,” you likely won’t be perceived as having room for more. When you constantly discuss having a work spouse, others may assume they can’t build a tight, trusting relationship with you because that spot is already filled.
On the other hand, when you refer to a teammate or a coworker, you can reinforce how much you value them without keeping others at bay.
Avoid compromising boundaries
It is also important to appropriately manage boundaries between your work life and your personal life. You want to have strong relationships at work and at home, but you won’t want your work relationships to come at the expense of your friends or family. Share confidences, but I strongly recommend that you don’t overshare or disclose things about your real spouse which could undermine that relationship. Inadvertently investing more into a work relationship than in your relationships at home can create an unbalanced and unsustainable dynamic.
Commit to connections at work and spend meaningful time together. Be intentional about getting to know colleagues, inviting them for coffee, offering help, and asking for it. But also ensure you’re not over-focusing on coworkers at the expense of the time you’re available for your friends and family.
When you have more dimensions in your life—home, work, volunteering, hobbies, etc.—you’ll experience more happiness and satisfaction. So, be sure you’re putting attention toward multiple aspects of your life and not just work.
To be sure, having great relationships at work is significantly linked with happiness and joy, so it’s smart to embrace professional friendships. Reach out, connect, build, and bond with people you work with.
But think of your friends at work as your colleagues, your coworkers, your mentors, your mentees, and your teammates—and put away the term “work spouse.” It’s no longer the best way to describe a terrific working relationship.
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