How to network without giving yourself, or others, ‘the ick’

Networking is critical for your success—to build relationships with people who can help you advance your career, begin new projects, or develop your skills. But why does networking often feel so bad?

Too often, networking has an “ick” quality. The idea of using relationships to get ahead can feel one-sided, selfish, or pushy—and no one wants to feel like they are using people for their own gain. 

Fortunately, you can reframe networking and reset how you go about it. With the right approach, you can not only make networking feel less bad, you can actually create experiences that are good for both you and the person you’re networking with.   

Why networking is important 

Even if networking is challenging, it’s important to get comfortable with it because networking has become increasingly important to our professional success. Today, people change jobs regularly and our personal and professional brands are more connected, transparent, and amplified. In this way, who you know and how you’re connected to others can be fundamental to how you advance.

But networking isn’t just something you use to find your next job, it’s also helpful for getting assigned to exciting projects, securing promotions, or increasing your influence. In addition, networking is a great opportunity for growth as you learn from mentors. Networking can help you be more effective as you maneuver your way through an organization.

Networking can also enhance your happiness by helping you feel more connected and avoid burnout by reminding you of the bigger community you are a part of. Networking can contribute to your sense of embeddedness with a community—and how your contribution is necessary to your great community—which can reduce loneliness, depression, and anxiety. 

Getting “the ick”

If you don’t like to network, or if you experience “the ick,” you’re not alone. In fact, an academic study published in Administrative Science Quarterly found that when people are seeking to build relationships to reach professional goals, they often feel inauthentic or even contaminated.

As humans, we’re used to creating relationships socially based on similar interests, shared passions, emotional support, and spontaneity. For this reason, building professional relationships can feel like the opposite of these. The “instrumental” nature of networking can seem like we’re creating the relationship in pursuit of some goal, so networking can feel unnatural and awkward as a result.  

At its worst, networking can be aggressive or one-sided. We’ve all been on the receiving end of someone who’s just trying to get something from us. But networking doesn’t have to take on these characteristics. You can do it differently, and positively.

Reframing relationships

One of the first things you can do to shift your feelings about networking is to shift your thoughts. Reframe the idea that you’re using others. Shift your focus from a transactional to a more relational view. Think of how you’re building relationships, which could even turn out to be long-lasting.

Emphasize the value that you’re placing on the other person because you’re seeking their expertise and perspectives. Focus on really learning from what they have to say, asking questions, listening, and giving your full attention to the discussion.

Also be sure to pace yourself, so you can manage your energy levels. Networking requires an investment of energy, so schedule your discussions when you have the most capacity and ensure that you do not overload yourself with networking activities. When you’re energized, passionate, and curious, you send a more positive message to others—which will benefit you and also make the experience more rewarding for the person you’re interacting with as well.

Reciprocity 

A fundamental way we relate to each other is through reciprocity. You do something for someone else and then they do something for you. Networking can feel “icky” if you feel you’re only taking something from a relationship, so remind yourself of how you will help others as well. You can enhance your sense that you’re paying back by giving back to the community as a whole and committing to reach out to others as you progress in your career.

Also keep in mind that people like to be helpful and typically enjoy mentoring others. When people demonstrate generosity, they get a boost of happiness as well—so don’t underestimate the extent to which people are glad to support you because they also feel fulfilled in their efforts.

You can also demonstrate reciprocity by being grateful for people’s time. Follow up and send a thank-you note to let others know how you plan to implement the guidance they’ve provided. This follow up helps create continuity and gives them a sense of meaning based on the time they’ve invested in you.

Refinement

You can also foster success in your networking by refining your networking process. Practice with a friend or trusted colleague, because practice will help you be more comfortable and natural in your interactions. Also start your networking with people you know. The more familiar you are with someone, the more natural the dialogue will feel. This can help you build your networking muscles. Plus, you can ask them to introduce you to others.

Be sure to plan the questions you’ll ask based on the person you’re speaking with. When you’re in conversation with your networking contact, use your prepared questions, but also let the discussion flow naturally.

When you’re speaking with someone, be sure to ask for information or advice before you ask for a job. Get to know them and their views before you go in for the close or the hard sell. Your ability to advance your own interests will be more successful when you’ve listened first.

Also be appropriately deferential. You’re speaking to someone because you respect where they are in their career, and because you want their advice or expertise. Make this clear by asking for a short interaction, rather than a long one. Stick to the period you’ve scheduled and end on time. This demonstrates respect for their other commitments. If you’ve gotten all your questions answered, don’t be afraid to end the call or meeting a little early. Don’t feel you have to fill every minute. Close the conversation gracefully by thanking them, talk about how you plan to use the information they’ve shared, and let them know you’ll follow up.

Networking gets easier with practice, but it is also based on your mindset. Try to frame networking as a positive process, which is based on meaningful exchanges of information and valuing the relationships and the learning you get in the process. Networking doesn’t have to feel “icky.” It can be rewarding and can lead to long-lasting relationships as well.