In the communication world, listening has always been treated like the ugly stepchild of speaking. Think of all the training and courses that are available for learning how to be a great speaker. To rise up in the ranks of most organizations, it is often recommended that we take speaking courses to improve our communication skills. Yet listening can be just as important as speaking to facilitate effective communication.
While we may think we understand what it means to listen, it often takes an underappreciated amount of self-awareness and interest in others to produce a top-notch listener. And listening with emotional intelligence can help make others feel heard and understood. Here are five things emotionally intelligent people do that make them great listeners:
Draw out how the speaker is feeling
When discussing strong listening techniques, we are often taught to listen and repeat back segments of what the other person is saying to show them we are listening. An emotionally intelligent person takes this a step further by deciphering what the person is feeling. They do this by imagining how the other person would be feeling in that situation and sharing how they, themselves, would feel in the same situation. For instance, “I imagine that would feel really frustrating.” Or “I would be so excited if I were in your shoes!”
This trick can help the speaker reflect on their own feelings and can make them feel safe to be open and vulnerable.
Notice and respond to nonverbal cues
When people are speaking, they give off nonverbal cues that can be as valuable as the words they are saying. Crossed arms, for example, can indicate defensiveness. Someone’s tone of voice can indicate anything from joy to anger. Plus, facial expressions can show an incongruence with what the person is saying—for instance, if they say they are very happy but have a frown on their face.
Emotionally intelligent people have the ability to decode these nonverbal forms of communication. What’s more, they can express what they are observing in a nonthreatening manner that doesn’t shut the person down, but allows them to go deeper and share what is really going on for them.
Don’t offer advice immediately
Emotionally intelligent people understand that often what someone needs when sharing something is not advice but just for someone to listen. They understand that unsolicited advice is rarely appreciated, and don’t offer advice unless it is asked for.
In fact, sometimes it is not necessary to respond at all. You can just listen and use small gestures to indicate that the person speaking is being heard. Sighing, shaking the head, and nodding at appropriate times are all ways to show that we are present and listening. This takes being fully present and in tune with the person speaking, not only verbally but also emotionally.
Match the speaker verbally and physically
Emotionally intelligent people are very aware of the speaker’s tone of voice and body language and can match it in ways that indicate that they are listening and encourage the speaker to continue. When someone leans in, they follow. When the speaker lowers their tone of voice, a good listener follows suit. This heightened awareness and matching allows the speaker to feel that they are being heard, not only through their words but also through their energy and presence.
Ask clarifying questions
Certain phrases have meanings attached to them. For example, “Whatever” could mean that you’re not really interested in what I have to say anyway. Or it could be innocuous and mean that they are neutral to the situation. When the meaning of someone’s words is unclear, emotionally intelligent people check out what the person means. Tone of voice could give indications of what the real meaning is and could be used to probe further. Emotionally intelligent people have the sensitivity needed to probe further without eliciting unnecessary anger or pushback.
Tricks like these can help us make the people in our lives, from friends and family members to coworkers and clients, feel heard and respected.
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