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5 secret strategies for staying cool when provoked

One of a leader’s primary jobs is to even out volatility by being a center of calm and cool in the middle of the tornado.

5 secret strategies for staying cool when provoked

[Source image: ne2pi/Getty Images]

BY Sunny Bonnell and Ashleigh Hansberger6 minute read

If you haven’t at least heard about climate activist Greta Thunberg’s Twitter evisceration of proud Internet über-misogynist Andrew Tate recently, we have one question: How are things in your cave and do you get DoorDash?

Kidding aside, there’s a good reason the online and offline world have been cheering Thunberg’s utter owning of Tate after he trolled her with a douchey tweet about his 33 gas-gulping Italian sports cars. The internet is a world built to goad people into losing control, lashing out, and becoming enraged. Social media is that times ten. Heck, outrage is the business model of about one-third of the companies on the NASDAQ. Yet, Thunberg’s response to Tate’s smirking provocation was sharp, precise, and savage—the tweet equivalent of an icepick in the eye. 

Some of the delight is schadenfreude. Tate is, by all accounts, a bad guy who thinks women are property, was banned from Twitter in 2017 for hate speech, and who is, as of this writing, under arrest in Romania for suspected rape and human trafficking. But the bulk of the “You go, girl!” enthusiasm surely stems from the fact that a 19-year-old girl was attacked online by an arrogant jerk and not only kept her cool but delivered a withering comeback that made him a laughingstock. Game, set, match. 

We know 55-year-old CEOs who don’t have that much poise when provoked, and that’s a problem. While it might be temporarily satisfying, even macho, for a leader to hulk out over a rude client comment or a snarky product review, it’s rarely productive. In fact, it’s usually counterproductive.

Over the long term, all businesses are volatile. Economic and product cycles, changes in personnel, the demands of meeting deadlines—they all bring with them exhilarating highs and crushing lows. One of a leader’s primary jobs is to even out that volatility by being a center of calm and cool in the middle of the tornado.

If you’re leading a team or a corporation with 50,000 employees, you’re the walking, talking example of how to handle the stress of a crisis or the venom of a social media pile on. If your default settings are, “Wall-Punching Rage” and, “Cascade of F-Bombs,” you people will think it’s perfectly fine to respond to provocation in the same manner, leading to furious clients, embarrassing news stories, staff resignations, and even possible lawsuits. Worse, when sales crater or a product bombs, they’re much more likely to freak out, because that’s what the boss does. On the other hand, research shows that leaders who maintain an even temper are seen as more effective

So, why do experienced, mature leaders with multiple university degrees fall short in self-control while a 19-year-old woman succeeds, despite constantly taking fire from trolls and anti-woke politicos? They overlook a five-stage process that lets us rein in our immediate irritation and the adrenaline rush that comes with it, even in the face of expert, outrageous trolling or personal insults designed to tip us over the edge. We can’t get inside Thunberg’s mind, but we suspect her response to Tate followed the same five steps.

Step 1: Wait and breathe

This is common sense to any second-grader or any office worker who’s been tempted to fire off a crushing reply to a dumb email or offensive tweet: Don’t respond when you’re mad. Anger inhibits the action of the portion of the brain that controls executive function, which is why we say dumb things when we’re angry and regret them 30 seconds later when the adrenaline rush subsides and rational thought is back at the controls. 

A troll’s mission statement is, “Get the target to lose their mind and act like a fool.” That’s it. So, when you’re on the receiving end of a provocation, make the next 120 seconds a “no-go” zone. No matter what’s been said or written, you do nothing. You breathe, exist, and let the dust settle. 

Step 2: Rise above the fray

Okay, now you’re cooler and you can think rationally and strategically again. What’s the first thing you do? Compose a sick burn in reply? No. You acknowledge that you’re being manipulated and refuse to cooperate. Manipulation is the only club in the troll’s bag. When Tate targeted Thunberg, his goal was to bolster his skeezy dudebro cred by making a badass woman cry or flip the table. Clearly, Thunberg was hip to his game.

The trick at this stage is to see the manipulation and not care. You’re too important, too busy, too smart for such childish nonsense. This inoculates you from the emotional need to counterstrike so you can respond on your own terms, not your provocateur’s. By the way, this technique works just as well in person (and in seconds), because when tension is high, silence commands the space. The person who doesn’t react tends to be the winner when temperatures rise.

Step 3: Move the venue

Now you counterstrike, but not on the same terms as the provocateur. Since you’re now immunized to manipulation, your move here is to change the conditions of the confrontation and move the fight to friendly territory.

Tate wanted to get a rise out of Thunberg with his disregard for the climate, and if she had clapped back and called him names, he would have won. Instead, she shifted the terms of the encounter from his attack on her to what the nature of his attack said about him. 

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Thunberg’s counterattack was wicked. But in a business context, insulting people is not usually the way to win friends and keep customers. Fortunately, moving the venue works in any situation. Simply ask yourself, “What is this really about?” Every act of provocation has a hidden agenda or meaning, and when you find it, shift the venue to be about that topic. Make that shift firm but professional when you’re dealing with clients or peers, or more forceful and critical if you’re in a situation where someone needs to feel a bit of your wrath. 

Step 4: Use aikido

The Japanese martial art of aikido is about redirecting the energy of an opponent’s attack to throw them off balance and defeat them. Now that you’ve moved the venue, you’re in control and in a position to exploit your attacker’s weakness. Thunberg turned the tables on Tate and made her response a laceration of the classic alpha male insecurity misogynists like Tate are notorious for. She took his legs out from under him and left him with nothing but a lame “I’m rubber, you’re glue” riposte. 

Again, context matters. If you’re engaged in a Twitter brawl, feel free to roast your attacker. But if you’re dealing with your work email, someone losing it on Zoom, or a client, redirecting energy need not be about you taking a victory lap. It could be about you cooling someone else’s anger so you can have a productive conversation. That’s how leaders lead by example. You don’t need to “win,” in order to win. 

Step 5: Laugh or choose not to respond

Speaking of winning, the goal in facing provocation isn’t just to win one battle, but to discourage the other person from talking trash in the future. Threats rarely accomplish that, but there are two tactics that can. The first is laughter. Trolls want to be laughing at the people they enrage, but they can’t stand to be laughed at themselves. Laughter is to a self-important guy like Tate as water is to the Wicked Witch of the West. When Thunberg mocked him in her tweet, and the entire Internet roared in unison, he was effectively done. 

But mocking a client or partner? We’ll go out on a limb and say it’s not always a great strategy. So say nothing. Make it clear with your restraint, body language, timing, or whatever that you’ve taken in what was said, you understand it, and you’re choosing to rise above it. Even reach back with compassion or beneficence, because answering cruelty with kindness is a power move. This way, you can flex without humiliating the other party. That’s leader self-control. 

Oh, and always recycle your pizza boxes. Right, Greta?


Sunny Bonnell and Ashleigh Hansberger are founders of Motto and the authors of Rare Breed: A Guide to Success for the Defiant, Dangerous, and Different.


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sunny Bonnell and Ashleigh Hansberger are founders of Motto and the authors of Rare Breed: A Guide to Success for the Defiant, Dangerous, and Different. More


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