If I were to ask, “Who here hates the sound of their voice?,” would you raise your hand? Or, not raise your hand but feel a tiny shame bomb go off in your belly? For most women, queer folks, and those of us with an accent that codes for race or class or not-from-around-here—frankly the majority of the population—our relationship with our voice is messy. We pretzel ourselves to get heard, a process that is existentially heavy, physically exhausting, and totally invisible.
Maybe you’ve caught yourself wishing you sounded more powerful, or fought resentment that you have to work so hard to get taken seriously. Maybe even the idea of a professional voice makes you seethe, but you see no other way than to chase it.
You hear the tired phrase “find your voice,” and roll your eyes. Sure, yeah, great—but how?
It’s time for some real solutions. We have too much to lose to accidentally live out 2023 with the same “shoulds” and terrible advice from last year (and the previous two thousand) about how to speak in public. It’s time we give ourselves permission to rewrite the rules. Because here’s the truth: The standards and norms about how to sound professional when you present in order to give an air of authority can be traced all the way back to the ancient Greeks! The only problem? Those orators were all men of a certain social standing and their definition of good speech was conveniently narrow—meaning, it actively excluded anyone outside their shared demographics.
That’s why when you get up to pitch your take on that Zoom call or present your findings to that room of inscrutable faces, you might not just have run-of-the-mill nerves. You may also be battling eons of messaging holding you hostage, screaming in your head that you’re talking wrong. And it’s nearly impossible to show up, step into your power, and get that yes, when you’re in a hostage situation.
So, let’s take a critical eye to those messages, call them out for the myths they are, and bust them once and for all so you can get off the shame rollercoaster and make the impact you want.
Myth #1: Speak with a low-pitched voice if you want to get taken seriously
Search “how to sound authoritative” and you’ll find business coaches galore counseling to embrace a baritone whether it feels natural or not. Famously, Margaret Thatcher, the former prime minister of the U.K. and the nation’s first female leader, hired a vocal coach from the National Theatre in London to help her lower her pitch and sound more in charge. And here’s the thing: It worked. As in, it was a quick fix.
No matter your gender, if you worry that your natural pitch is too high, pushing down on your vocal cords to affect something lower might actually work, but only in the very short term. (Ahem, see, Elizabeth Holmes.)
If you know in your heart of hearts that you’re a rising leader, it’s time to reject the quick fix and go for the real goal: sounding like yourself, out loud, and owning the heck out of it. Search for some breath exercises instead, so you can learn how to take in a good amount of air to fuel your words, and then talk.
After all, consider: Who are your favorite speakers? Think about the podcast hosts or political powerhouses or business heroes or TED talkers you love listening to who make you feel things, not just because of what they say but how they say it. Start a list and post it at your desk. And get curious. Are they all using an artificially low voice? Or is something far more interesting happening there?
Myth #2 Don’t get emotional or you’ll lose all credibility
I’ve coached everyone from movie stars to foreign dignitaries and CEOs of billion-dollar companies and they all have the same thing in common: Everyone’s afraid their voice will shake. They’re all afraid that they’ll cry if they tell that story in their presentation. That they’ll come across as too enthusiastic if they share how much they care and it’ll be deeply uncool and/or unrecoverably vulnerable.
For some of us more than others, there are real penalties for “getting emotional” at work but emotions are technically automatic physiological responses associated with the nervous system. They’re automatic. They happen to us—and they happen to all of us.
Dutch primatologist Frans de Waal has a rare perspective, because he’s spent decades among chimps and bonobos, and has said, “I cannot name any emotion that is uniquely human.” We share the experience of these biological hits with humans everywhere and even with animals; they’re that universal. But bonobos aren’t compelled to suit up and pore over the corporate playbook on their way to work. And they don’t teach themselves to pathologize emotions. We do, and sometimes we’re even rewarded for it (keeping a “cool head,” or “compartmentalizing” well).
Here’s the myth that’s ripe for busting, though: What works when you’re just trying to get by during a regular workday is quite different from what works when the spotlight’s on you. If it’s your turn to speak—at that conference or even just to ask a question in a meeting—it’s your chance to model the kind of workspace and communication you want to see more of.
It’s an act of leadership to decide you’re not afraid of emotions. And besides, good speeches are always emotional. Think about Senator Cory Booker during Justice Katanji Brown Jackson’s confirmation hearings. Michelle Yeoh winning the Golden Globe. Simon Sinek in his most-watched TED Talk, loving on his easel with its simple concentric circles so hard, we fall in love too.
Next time you’ve got an idea to share, how much can you care out loud? How much can you talk about what matters to you like it matters to you? That’s how you’ll make an impact. That’s what every great speech has in common—emotional truth, whether it’s fury or hope, grief, or glee. Go back to your heroes for inspiration. They’re not doing something unattainably magical. They’re just giving themselves permission to care out loud.
Myth #3 Avoid ‘ums,’ ‘uhs,’ saying ‘like,’ and apologies—they make you seem weak
Think about how you speak around your favorite people when you’ve got nothing to prove. Think about when you’re bursting with a story of the “you’ll never guess who I just ran into!” variety. Contrast this to when you’re presenting to your boss or potential funders . . . and all your dormant insecurities wake up. The hedging terms and filler sounds help us vamp while we try to reorganize our poor, scattered confidence. But that version of you around your favorite people likely hedges a whole lot less because nothing’s as powerful as having nothing to prove.
When you give yourself permission to speak in your natural pitch and to bring all the juicy emotional content that belongs with your words along for the ride, you will use hedging terms and fillers less. You just will.
You can go download an app that promises to police your “ums” when you practice some speech, or you can decide instead that you and your ideas deserve to take up time and space and then believe it down to your toes. One will keep you chasing the standard; the other will set you free.
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