When you’re a high achiever or a perfectionist, you’re often harder on yourself than you are on others. Discipline can be a good way for getting things done and for achieving goals, but it’s also possible that you’ll take it too far. Instead, when you’re in a challenging situation, it’s important to practice self-compassion, says Katherine Morgan Schafler, author of The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power.
“Self-compassion is not telling yourself, ‘It’s okay, it’s alright,’ when things are not okay or alright,” she says. “I call that generic reassurance and emotional petting. Emotional petting doesn’t feel good because we know it’s not the truth.”
Instead, self-compassion is being honest, which brings true relief, says Morgan Schafler. To practice it, you can use these three tenets that are based on the research of Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and a pioneer in the field of self-compassion.
Self-kindness
While this sounds like you’re just being nice to yourself, Morgan Schafler says it’s more powerful than that. “It’s about recognizing that you are in pain,” she says. “That’s really a game-changing acknowledgement.”
Often, people turn to self-compassion when they need to get something done, says Morgan Schafler. “You’re asking yourself, ‘How can I get unstuck and get out of this?’” she says. “It’s future-oriented. Self-kindness, however, is about being able to stay in the moment and having empathy for that.”
Empathy is much deeper than kindness, adds Morgan Schafler. “It’s about turning towards yourself instead of away from yourself and seeing yourself as a whole human being and not just a one-dimensional person who happens to be messing up right now in this moment,” she says.
Common humanity
Common humanity is realizing that you’re a human being who is existing amongst billions of other human beings. It’s understanding that everybody suffers in this life and there’s no escaping it.
“We all have a hard time,” says Morgan Schafler. “We all have family drama. Nobody lives and dies without a couple of really scary doctor’s appointments, either for ourselves or the people that we love.”
The trouble comes when you internalize these moments and consider them to be a reflection of yourself, saying, “I’m suffering so something must be wrong with me.”
“Realizing that you are part of a common humanity can get you out of feeling isolated and alone,” says Morgan Schafler. “Before you, billions of other human beings existed. There is no way you’re having an emotion or an experience that hasn’t been experienced before. This can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with an issue where there is social taboo, such as having suicidal thoughts.”
Mindfulness
The final step to building self-compassion is incorporating mindfulness. Morgan Schafler says it’s tilting your head a bit to the side and realizing that you’re feeling what you’re feeling, such as defeated, jealous, or confused—but that’s not all that you feel.
“Mindfulness is not about asking yourself, ‘How do I get rid of this feeling?’” she explains. “It’s asking, ‘What else do I feel?’ For example, do I also feel grateful for the fact that I am able-bodied? Am I also curious?’ What is some other thing that has nothing to do with your stress point, such as being playful or adventurous?”
When our stress responses is activated, we get tunnel vision and forget that we’re multidimensional beings with lots of feelings and lots of thoughts. “It’s like we’re stuck on one channel, which tends to be the everything-that’s-wrong-with-me channel,” says Morgan Schafler. “Mindfulness is not about meditative stuff so much; it’s being able to see your emotional landscape and the 360-degree angles.”
Self-compassion can be as easy as heading to bed after an exhausting day or as difficult as forcing yourself to get out of bed after an exhausting night, says Morgan Schafler. “At all times, self-compassion will be worth whatever difficulty or ease you encounter.”
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