How being sarcastic in a pitch meeting nearly ruined my career

One of the biggest mistakes I made completely changed how I interact with people.

There’s that quote, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” You could have the best of intentions, but you have to be aware of how you show up. I learned that the hard way.

I had started out in business as a dead-broke carpet cleaner living off credit cards. I started studying marketing because I needed to eat and survive, but then I fell in love with it. I read books, went to seminars, and applied everything I learned to my business, especially a type of marketing I now call the ELF model (Easy, Lucrative, and Fun.) I turned my business into a huge success and then developed the largest marketing training business in the late ‘90s for carpet and upholstery cleaners and people that do fire and flood restoration.

In my late 20s and early 30s, I was going to different seminars and educational courses and I joined an organization called Strategic Coach, founded by entrepreneurs and spouses Dan Sullivan and Babs Smith. They’ve been my dear friends for over two decades, Dan and I do a podcast called 10x Talk together, and we are the biggest referrers to each other’s businesses. I would estimate that I’ve referred 400 members to his program, netting him millions in profits over the years. 

But back in 1999, I made a mistake that almost cost me my relationship with them and a lot of success.

Dan and Babs had hired me for a day of consulting for their business. I’d been a member of Strategic Coach for a couple of years, I was this enthusiastic young guy with a lot of ideas and a track record of success with people using my marketing strategies (at that point I’d helped one of the top fitness experts and authors in the world, Bill Phillips, make his book, Body for Life, into a huge  success). I wasn’t arrogant but I was confident about what I could bring to the table, and I was excited to do a day of consulting at a company I admired more than any other.

So, I’m sitting there with Dan and Babs at their home in Chicago, along with their team member Catherine, confident to show off my skills, getting ready to start a day of giving them my best ideas and suggestions for how they could build and more effectively market Strategic Coach and get more referrals and business.

The first thing out of my mouth was: “Your marketing sucks.”

Then, I proceeded to share with them all kinds of strategies I thought would be super effective to position Strategic Coach, and what their sales people could be doing when talking to prospects. It was storming that day, and halfway through, the power went out and we did the rest of the session by candlelight. Dan, Babs, and Catherine were very nice and seemed really engaged. I thought it went awesome.

The next day, Dan asked if he could talk with me. He sits me down and says that while he’s on board with a lot of my ideas, Babs (who runs the company) and Catherine (who turned out to be the marketing director) were insulted. He said that while they did want to improve their marketing, their company brought in millions of dollars in revenue, and the first thing I did was insult the two people I needed to win over. 

I immediately thought, “Oh shit.” At this point in my career, I had brought in millions of dollars in revenue for my clients as a direct result of my marketing efforts. I was a millionaire before the age of 30 (I’m now 54). I thought I knew what I was doing, and I thought the group I was speaking to was already bought into what I was giving them. 

But in reality, I was oblivious. I felt embarrassed. 

Dan explained to me that there are two ways to influence people: 1), you can tell them what’s wrong with what they’re doing and how to fix it. If you do it this way, you’ll be met with lots of resistance. Or, 2) You can tell them what they’re doing right, and how to enhance it. This way, you validate them and get very little resistance and way more buy-in.

One approach says here’s what’s wrong with you. The other says here’s what’s right with you. It was an important lesson that I connected with immediately. 

I had absolutely no intention of putting the team down. I thought I was helping. But my intentions didn’t matter, because what they heard was me insulting their hard work, and because of that they didn’t want to listen to me or use the advice I was offering. I apologized to Babs and Catherine that day, but for the next two years, there was a lack of progress on implementing my ideas, and it took nearly five years to fully repair the relationship.

If I would have been clear on what’s in it for Dan, Babs and Catherine, I could have shown up focused on what they wanted rather than what I wanted. I wanted to help them with their marketing and show off my skills, but they wanted to have their efforts validated and build on them. My intentions were good, but my actions were perceived as insulting. 

I was able to correct the perception by continuing to show up and be useful, steadily helping them, referring people to them, being valuable and sharing things, and, importantly, thinking about what’s in it for them. Because of that, they started to appreciate me in spite of my mistake. I still believed some of the marketing they did sucked! But I learned that my sarcastic way of presenting it wasn’t effective. I’ve also learned that so many companies have some marketing that sucks, but other things they do that work pretty well—including my own company.

That one experience has totally changed my approach to building rapport with people and helped me develop my “Spidey senses” around social calibrations. It’s true that you attract more bees with honey. Now, I do my best to validate people, even if it’s really hard to find things they’re doing right, because if they’re looking for help, they’re at least doing one thing right.

I talk a lot in my new book What’s in It For Them about the right and wrong ways to build rapport with people and how to help them get what they want, which in turn often helps you get what you want. And I’m very big on ethical marketing: There’s nothing wrong with wanting something, but when you show up with a want, how can you make sure that what you’re giving is equal to or greater than what you want?

Today, I have a wonderful business relationship and friendship with both Dan and Babs. (Dan even says publicly that I’m his best friend, and I also became friends with Catherine.) Dan and I have referred millions of dollars to each other — it’s the most important business relationship that I’ve ever created. And it almost never happened because I said these three words: “Your marketing sucks.” 

As told to Marina Khidekel.