Human memory is not really set up to give us an accurate readout of what happened in the past. For much of the history of our species, there wasn’t even a particularly good way to get an accurate representation of the past, so all people could rely on was their memory.
The reason why accuracy isn’t the primary concern for your brain is that a core function of memory is to provide you with information you need to navigate new situations. So, if one of your ancestors got attacked by a wild animal near a particular watering hole, it was important for everyone in the group to be aware of that. If someone thought the earlier incident actually happened to them, that was fine, as long as they were wary when near that watering hole.
In much of your life, the exact accuracy of memory for the past also doesn’t matter that much. If you are working on a team project, remembering exactly who wrote which sentence of a report is less important than the principle that everyone on the team gets credit for the work.
Because your memory is malleable in this way, it can be manipulated. That is the source of the concept of gaslighting, in which an individual systematically does things to lead someone else to question their own beliefs about what actually happened in a situation.
In the workplace, gaslighting often happens when someone is trying to change beliefs about who should get the credit or blame for a particular project. A supervisor might ask you to work on a particular project, and if it goes badly might then claim they never asked you to do that particular thing, or that they gave you more specific instructions that you did not follow. That person’s restatement of the past may lead you to question your own memory and to doubt your own interpretation of what happened.
If this happens only once, then it is probably not worth worrying about too much. All of us will differ in our recollections of the past. In addition, we all over-represent our own contributions to projects. There is a lot of work on egocentric bias showing that if you ask people to estimate their percentage contribution to a group project, and then add up the estimates from everyone, you get a total far greater than 100%. That isn’t gaslighting. It is just a natural tendency to focus on your own efforts rather than the efforts of others.
But, when you are faced with someone who systematically shifts the conversation about events in their favor and against your interests, it is time to take action.
The most important thing you can do is to find ways to document what is happening with projects (or whatever you’re being gaslit about) in the moment that it is happening. When you get written instructions, keep them. Take notes immediately after meetings in order to document what was said and agreed on. If you have a chance to record conversations (like in a Zoom meeting), keep those around as well.
There are two aims of keeping records. The first is to preserve your own sense of what happened in the past. If your memory differs from what someone else is saying, you can go back to your saved notes, emails, and recordings to refresh your memory. That can help you to remain confident in your initial impression of what happened (though at times you may discover that you are the one who misremembered a prior event).
Second, it gives you a chance to decide whether you want to correct the record. When someone’s gaslighting is having a negative impact on your well-being or job performance, then it might be worth re-engaging. To start with, you can forward your notes or prior emails with an innocuous note that says that you had a different recollection of what happened, and so you went back to your records to check.
The aim of this approach is to avoid accusing someone of purposely gaslighting (in case they really did misremember the situation), but it also makes clear that you keep track of assignments you have been given and that you take detailed notes. People who are deliberately trying to manipulate you may then decide you’re not that easy a target.
Finally, if you do feel like you’re being gaslit by a colleague, you may want to talk to a trusted mentor or HR representative in your firm to let them know your concerns. Documenting this complaint may be valuable if the gaslighting continues and someone chooses to say negative things about you to others in your firm.
Recognize your brand’s excellence by applying to this year’s Brands That Matter Awards before the early-rate deadline, May 3.
