The pandemic had been raging for several months when we wrapped up a Virtual Gratitude Experience with Lisa and Meaghan, the leaders of a very large team at a Fortune 50 company. When we came to the end of the ninety-minute session, we handed the microphone over to Meaghan to close things out.
“The beauty of leading this team is that I get to hear a lot about what you all are going through,” she said. “Today, many of you told really hard stories, and my heart goes out to everyone struggling right now. We heard happy stories, too, and we can tap into each other’s pain and happiness to create empathy and connection. I am very proud of all of you for your courage and willingness to share. And the fact that we can do this in such a big company is a really beautiful thing. So, thank you to each of you.”
As leaders, Meaghan and Lisa’s decision to say yes to our session was the first step in reaping the benefits of gratitude for their team. But listening to their colleagues’ stories with empathy was the next one.
To give gratitude that is authentic, specific, and in the language of the recipient, you must pay attention to those you serve. Leaders who fail to adopt a posture of otherness, who aren’t curious about what makes those around them tick, fall into the trap of egocentric bias. Those with egocentric bias prioritize their perspectives over others’ or buy into their own hype—adopting a higher opinion of themselves than is actually warranted.
Egocentric bias is a hindrance to your potential. Meanwhile, when you are open to others’ insights, you embrace the opportunity to change for the better and enable others to feel validated as they help find a solution.
Six-time Stanley Cup champion—and one of the greatest influences in my life—Mark Messier attributes much of his leadership style to empathy, curiosity, and the ability to listen to others’ insights. In his book, No One Wins Alone, he describes the most effective form of leadership as one that is absent of ego, and that a good leader need only have one thought in mind: the collective.
After a perspective-shifting trip to Barbados early in his hockey career, he made a commitment to appreciate the diversity of human beings, acknowledging that people not only act in different ways but think in ways different than he’d ever imagined. As he writes, “Just because I wasn’t familiar with someone else’s perspective didn’t make them wrong. Never again would I believe that someone was fundamentally mistaken because their mind worked in a way I was unfamiliar with. I saw that they could just be exploring different parts of this same huge landscape of possibility.”
Mark’s ability to grasp this concept helped him transform into the person he would become: a curious and empathetic individual who would grow to become one of the all-time greatest leaders in sports.
To be a great leader in any field, you must first show people that you appreciate their input. Unfortunately, we can’t expect others to simply pick up on the gratitude that radiates from us. We need to express it regularly and in a way that’s meaningful to them. As I explored when discussing the five love languages, some people like plaques; others appreciate a pat on the back. Some won’t feel seen unless you share words of encouragement. But you won’t know what resonates until you ask.
Leaders who take the time to listen to what their teams want and need and show gratitude accordingly create an environment where everyone feels heard and is thus inspired to give back.
As Mark says at the end of his book, “With respect and gratitude, I say: thank you, thank you, thank you!” My hope is that his words of gratitude shine bright for all to see and pay forward.
Gratitude Inquiry:
• Reflection: As a leader, when was the last time you carved meaningful time on your calendar just to sit and listen uninterrupted to your team? What did you learn from them?
• Reflection: What gets in the way of taking time to slow down and listen to others?
• Action: This week, reach out to someone who contributes meaningful input into your life and schedule a time to ask them deep, open-ended questions about their life story.
The science of using gratitude to get through hard times. Founder, 7:47