I really wanted to hate the Bartesian, the $369 smart cocktail maker that has taken over TikTok. Why single-use capsules? Why not just use a mixer? Do we need to make alcohol more convenient? Why another hulking countertop machine? Who has that kind of space? Not me—I’ve got steam toasters and a fleet of direct-to-consumer Dutch ovens to contend with.
Bartesian founder and CEO Ryan Close put himself through college by bartending, though, he jovially admits, “I would just pray they order a gin and tonic.” Close’s career veered traditionally corporate, and he spent time at a Waterloo incubator attempting to launch a fintech startup before settling on Bartesian. Following the trend of more and more Americans swapping the bar for the sofa, he envisioned the machine as a more streamlinedway to serve at-home cocktails (that aren’t gin and tonics)—less fuss, no guesswork, and the only glass you wash at the end is the one from which you drank.
But in simplest terms, the machine is essentially this: a Keurig for cocktails. Depending on where you land on the mixology spectrum, your reaction is either: “Where do I press “Buy Now?” or “That is my worst nightmare.” The binary reaction I received from asking friends and colleagues is what made me cave and investigate further.
I don’t love Keurig-brewed coffee, but I respect it. My parents, who are in their late-sixties, drink a K-cup a day. And while I watch the waste pile up and what I consider to be beige, mud water go down, I recognize how happy that convenience makes them. No pot to clean, no grounds to measure, no lukewarm liquid remains. But also, the mechanism of machines like Keurig, Nespresso, and the like makes more sense to me: Capsules keep grounds fresh until use, an exact temperature keeps coffee from tasting bitter or burnt, and no one winds up with the last pour. Keurig also had a very short-lived instant cocktail machine that ceased to exist earlier this year. With the Bartesian, my question remained: Is using a quality mixer and a shaker too much to ask?
Whether or not it’s good, depends on your expectations. If you’re smoking your glasses and lacing homemade cocktails with rosemary oil, this is not the machine for you. As a novice, my hesitation was the capsules themselves: they’re plastic and shelf-stable. But with the five I tested—the Cosmopolitan, Old Fashioned, Lemon Drop, Rum Runner, and Long Island Iced Tea—I found each to be shockingly fresh-tasting and well-balanced, adequately tart and bitter when they need to be. They’re plenty sweet—the Cosmopolitan has 13g of sugar, the Rum Runner has 23g—though Bartesian also offers “low-cal” options, which use Stevia as a sweetener.
In an experiment, I cut open a Cosmopolitan capsule poured it into a glass with proportionate measures of water and vodka, and it was fine. Side-by-side with a Bartesian-made Cosmopolitan, it was not nearly the same dopamine rush, but taste-wise, it wasn’t distinguishable in any way. But I suppose that’s not the point. There’s no secret bartending monkey hidden inside the machine—all it needs to do is puncture an aluminum-top capsule. The Bartesian is exactly as Close pitched it: convenient, quick, and easy-to-use. And many people, myself, included, are willing to pay for a good cocktail.
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