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The rumored ‘butthole cut’ of ‘Cats’ is the quarantine relief we need

A visual effects producer says a version of the legendary cinematic disaster exists that is more, uh, anatomically correct, and fans are demanding to see it.

The rumored ‘butthole cut’ of ‘Cats’ is the quarantine relief we need
[Photo: courtesy of Universal Pictures]

See you in hell, Snyder Cut!

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The supposedly longer, better director’s cut of Justice League has been an object of fascination and a trollish rallying cry for far too long. It’s time to move on to more pressing matters in hidden cinematic treasures. We the people demand to see the rumored “butthole” cut of Cats.

It all started when the legendary fiasco of a film dropped as a digital rental Tuesday night. The exhausted and exhausting Cats discourse became instantly rejuvenated, with quarantined Americans grateful for the change in conversation. The stage was perfectly set for a hero to step forward and perform the Twitter equivalent of a musical where cats introduce themselves through song for two hours.

Here is the tweet that did it:

Once the rumored existence of a more, uh, anatomically correct cut of Cats hit Twitter, it inflamed the public imagination. Some celebrities immediately endorsed a release, including Seth Rogen, who had just live-tweeted his way through a stoned first viewing of Cats.

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As of Wednesday morning, #ReleaseTheButtholeCut was trending on Twitter as fans demanded the catnip-like release that can come only from seeing CGI feline rectums.

It may sound silly, and it probably doesn’t exist, but in a time when hopes run low and a nation is weary, people feel better uniting behind a common cause. And, sure, America’s top concern in the time of Covid-19 is flattening the curve, but the Butthole Cut makes a strong #2.

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