“We’re all going to die soon, and there’s no sequel.” So began Ricky Gervais’s Golden Globes monologue. It’s his fifth time hosting, as he made repeatedly clear, he would not be hosting again, so this time he would really let the barbs fly.
In a brisk, 10-minute monologue to kick off the three-hour show, Gervais made a number of pointed jokes about Hollywood sex scandals—or its would-be sex scandals.
Here are the six best lines of Gervais’s monologue:
“I came here in a limo tonight . . . and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman.”
“It was a big year for pedophile movies . . . Surviving R. Kelly, Finding Neverland, Two Popes.”
“There is going to be a season two of After Life [Gervais’s Netflix show about a guy who’s considering suicide], so I guess he didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up, I know he’s your friend but I don’t care.”
“Speaking of long movies, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was almost three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio went to the premiere, and by the time it was over, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew, was like, come on mate, you’re almost 50.”
“The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy this year. He was also in the movie Cats.”
“But Dame Judi Dench defended [Cats], saying it was the role she was born to play . . . . At home, she likes to sit on the floor naked, lift her leg, and clean her asshole.”
Yes, NBC bleeped out that last part. But not the coughing up a hairball sound effect Gervais tagged the joke with.