KFC’s Beyond Fried Chicken didn’t capture hearts quite like Popeyes’ $65 million sandwich craze did this summer, but the Colonel—this time a younger, much hotter Colonel—is at it again with a dating simulator. In other words: Big Fried Chicken’s greasy war for your attention just got greasier.
Here, a napkin.
The teaser for KFC’s latest attempt to win your love arrived today on Steam, the popular gaming platform. The game, I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator, looks quite real. Apparently it will be “the most delicious dating simulator ever” when it goes live on September 24. KFC has a history of pulling weird stunts like this one, as Engadget points out. After a romance novel and chicken-flavored nail polish, what can KFC do but continue fetishizing its mascot?
And also sure, why not? Imagine it: You, a “promising culinary student,” striding confidently into the test kitchen. Him: A silvery chicken magnate, eager to clog hearts. Is it hot in here?
Well no, it’s not that hot. The game looks mild compared to popular dating sims such as Catherine: Full Body, but it does promise to mix work, pleasure, and chicken. It taunts: “Do you have what it takes to be the business partner of and win the heart of the most famous chicken salesman of all time?” The game’s description adds, “Play to find out! Go ahead, Colonel Sanders is waiting.”
This colonel may indeed be waiting, but unfortunately something else is pulling my heartstrings. I’d rather win the love of a crispy, buttermilk-battered filet tucked inside a brioche bun.