When we need to make a big change, our initial response tends to be as follows: Buckle down, make a plan, and push through. Yet we often overlook the holistic picture that we need to make lasting changes. We are unaware of what influences us: our emotionally-driven minds, the protective mechanisms in our brains, relational influences, and our environment.
If we want to make decisions in an emotionally intelligent way, we need to be aware of how these factors influence our choices. Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as EQ) is not just about introspection and empathy—despite what you might have heard or read. EQ is the intelligent use of emotion, not only in terms of me but also the we and the why.
Change and emotional intelligence
After decades of researching EQ and observing various influencers on habits and performance, I coined a term for the me, we, and why approach to emotional intelligence: EQ³. EQ³ starts by looking at yourself, before shifting to examine the communities and groups that influence you and shape your environment, and finally considers your purpose.
The foundation rests on the basics of brain science. It’s about working with the emotional drivers that live in the limbic system and influence our decisions. That may be fear of rejection, loss, or failure, social threats, your mental fight-or-flight instinct, and more. When it comes to emotion, we tend to think of ourselves as unique. But if we look at the research and neuroscience, we see that often we’re all responding to common, basic drivers.
So, given what we know about the brain, how can we use emotional intelligence to create lasting change? Here are the three elements that you should consider before taking action.
Element 1: Self-recognition
To make a change, we have to be aware of our counterproductive behavior. And not just that—we have to be mindful of why we engage in those habits. Is it a fear of failure, fear of being seen as a weak employee, or fear of making mistakes? Is it fear of not meeting expectations? The short-term gain of feeling a sense of superiority but the long-term harm of damaging a relationship?
These motives often run deep. With my clients, I’ve noticed that people developed these harmful habits because it had helped them in the past. Withdrawing from conflict, for example, might have previously protected them. But what may have been a helpful coping strategy can turn to an impediment to progress.