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This Hallmark Christmas movie script written by a bot is the Christmas movie we all need

The script includes a “single mother refilling snow globes with Christmas juice,” of course.

This Hallmark Christmas movie script written by a bot is the Christmas movie we all need
[Photo: Thomas J. O’Halloran/Library of Congress]

If you watch enough hours of Hallmark’s (or Lifetime’s or Netflix’s) Christmas movies, you’ll start to see a pattern: There’s a recently widowed mother or a driven career woman who loses track of the true meaning of Christmas due to a dead husband and/or demanding boss only to be saved by a Christmas miracle, usually in the form of a man with seasonal issues to work out. Christmas carols, childhood flashbacks, snow, and magical snow globes usually make an appearance, too.

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So when Keaton Patti claims to have fed his bot 1,000 hours of Hallmark Christmas movie scripts and asked it to write its own, it’s no surprise that it churned out a plot involving a “single mother refilling snow globes with Christmas juice” while thinking that her twins need “double dad.” Enter “Hallmark hot” “business man” (and father of twins) who wants to turn the young widow’s land into an “oil resort” on Christmas Day unless they “go on dates.” The script for The Christmas on Christmas is hilarious yet believable, heartfelt but also very bot-like.

Of course, this is most likely merely the latest iteration of Patti’s (admittedly genius) schtick. See, for instance, where he made his bot watch 1,000 hours of the Saw movie franchise (there are only eight films in the series) or the time he made his bot write an Olive Garden commercial after forcing it to sit through 1,000 hours of them. (While Patti’s script may have been the product of his own imagination, someone did turn that script into a real Olive Garden commercial.) Plus, Patti lists his comedy credentials in his Twitter bio, including contributing pieces to Funny or Die and performing at the Upright Citizens Brigade.

While Patti’s Hallmark script may have been the product of his own imagination, the joke is still funny because of its hilariously shocking proximity to reality. After all, have you watched Netflix’s The Christmas Switch? That was definitely written by someone–or something–who has watched over 1,000 hours of Hallmark’s and Lifetime’s finest Christmas movies. Perhaps someone can turn The Christmas on Christmas into reality and make our Christmas dreams of drinking Christmas juice from snow globes come true.

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About the author

Melissa Locker is a writer and world renowned fish telepathist.

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