In the darkest timeline, which is the one we are currently lodged in, the internet is starved for heroes to rally behind. Over the weekend, the world provided two.
Apparently, a pair of nuns straight-up snapped, embezzling $500k from a SoCal Catholic school and taking it to Vegas. Yes, they committed crimes, and that is bad, even if the archdiocese and church have said they will not press charges. But damn it if their moxie isn’t infectious and inspiring. Sister Mary Margaret Kreuper (the principal at the school) and Sister Lana Chang (a teacher there) lived their dream, and the fact that their dream was to go on a big crime spree seems almost beside the point. Hearing that these two elderly ladies shot their shot in such outrageous, unlikely fashion hit Twitter in a predictable way, spreading joy and good cheer to all whose hearts are still capable of experiencing those sensations. Mainly, though, everyone just agreed that we all deserve an embezzling nuns movie.
this is already my favorite movie of 2021 https://t.co/mhYZTA16Cc
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) December 8, 2018
The movie version of the elderly nuns embezzling $500,000 for gambling story on @Jezebel that god willing will begin production within a week should be:
— Scot Ross (@rossacrosswi) December 9, 2018
Movie. Now, please. https://t.co/wZ0nQdys4Q
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) December 10, 2018
Now that the obvious is out of the way–duh, this is movie gold–we must move on to the nitty gritty: Who should star in the inevitable embezzling nuns movie? Well, that sort of depends on what kind of movie this is going to be.
Is it a studio comedy? If so, we’re gonna need Melissa McCarthy and Margaret Cho in those roles.
While a studio comedy makes the most sense, I can see the pitch for making this a quirky indie drama about finding yourself late in life (by finding half a million dollars to steal from your employer, the employer who isn’t God). In that film, the leads would have to be Helena Bonham Carter and Lucy Liu. Do not argue with me on this, it’s science.
Finally, the other way to go would be to make it a high-budget thriller. The only actors capable of finding the heart of the role, making it their own, and injecting it with sufficient gravitas are, of course Meryl Streep and Michelle Yeoh. There are no substitutes.
Whoever stars in it, the embezzling nuns movie must happen. Soon, if possible. We need this.