Lat week, we established that it’s odd for U.S. Senator Ted Cruz to try to be in on the joke that people suspect he’s the Zodiac Killer. Do you know who is more than capable of building on that joke, though? Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
The fuzzy, felt-skinned creation of veteran comedy writer Robert Smigel showed up on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert Monday night to unveil a video documenting the Texas senate race. At one point, while interviewing some Cruz supporters, Triumph takes the Zodiac joke to an unexpected place. He describes Cruz’s desire to repeal Obamacare as something that could potentially kill “way more people than the Zodiac,” emphasizing the “way more” again and again so many times that the Cruz supporters chuckling at his joke (but still supporting Cruz) have to actually think about it.
The last time we saw Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in action, in a 2016 Election special from back when we thought that comedy mattered, he was lamenting the fact that he couldn’t get an interview with Ted Cruz. He doesn’t quite pull off a full interview this time either, but he does get the chance to briefly come come face-to-fur with Cruz as he works his way through the crowd at a rally, and boy is it ever worth the effort.
Before getting to the Cruz segment of the video, Triumph starts off gently poking fun at Beto O’Rourke and his supporters. He offers to coach some Latinx voters in the O’Rourke crowd on how to pass as white so they won’t have a problem voting. “Repeat after me,” he tells them, “‘Have you seen the new season of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?'”
When it comes time to interview the man himself, Triumph/Smigel can’t resist flinging a few zingers O’Rourke’s way. He refers to him as “the 12th man on any basketball team” and asks questions like “Does it concern you that half your base thinks they can vote for you through Instagram?”
Obviously, Beto is getting off lightly. This is merely the bark; the bite is reserved for Ted Cruz. Without giving them all away, here are the seven sickest burns Triumph lands on Ted Cruz.
- “What do you have that Ted Cruz doesn’t have?” Triumph asks Beto O’Rourke before adding, “besides the ability to regenerate your tail?”
- “I’m here at the Ted Cruz rally,” Triumph announces, “or a Duck Dynasty cosplay convention. Not really sure.”
- “Which do you think was harder for Ted to forgive?” Triumph asks someone in the crowd at a Cruz rally. “Donald Trump for insulting his wife or that mongoose for eating his offspring. See, because he’s a reptile.”
- “If Ted loses, do you think he’ll end up back with his first love, that mute lady from The Shape of Water?” Triumph asks that same Cruz supporter. “See, because he’s a hideous fish monster.”
- “Ted, I have a pre-existing condition that makes me vomit out of my eyes whenever I see you,” Triumph shouts from the back of the room during the Cruz rally. “Is that covered under the GOP healthcare plan?”
- “You can’t ignore me, Ted,” Triumph says in the crowd as he nears Cruz. “I’m not ‘overwhelming scientific evidence of global warming.'”
- “Ted, is it true that you will defend the constitution at all costs?” Triumph asks when he finally has a brief audience with Cruz. “Except when Donald Trump insults it on Twitter?”
- Finally, Cruz tries to get in a zinger about how it was the Democrats who neutered Triumph, and the Insult Comic Dog is ready for it. “I support spaying and neutering,” he says. “Just like Trump did to you.”
Oof! There is no recovering from a burn like that. Ted Cruz now lives inside of a burn ward. While he treats his wounds, watch the entire video from Monday night’s Colbert show below.