As a millennial, I would like to apologize. If you’ve been reading the headlines lately, all the destruction caused by people in my vague age group should be abundantly clear. We have killed so many things, and today is no different. According to Bloomberg, the latest fatality caused by millennials is American cheese.
The article makes a clear case: American cheese consumption has fallen 1.6% this past year… something something something… millennials are to blame. “The product, made famous by the greatest generation, devoured by boomers on the go and touted as the basis for macaroni and cheese, the well-documented love object of Gen X,” the article writes, “has met its match with millennials demanding nourishment from ingredients that are both recognizable and pronounceable.
As far as I can tell, the proof that people born between 1981 and 1996 are destroying this once-beloved food item is that sales have been down for the last four consecutive years. It’s unclear if the problem is that the people who died of old age over the last half decade were known for their processed-cheese purchase volume, or if millennials in 2014 all attended the same “down with Kraft” meeting. Whatever the answer, it’s clear my generation has done goofed again. What’s more, Bloomberg is on it.
We can add American cheese to the long list of things millennials have killed. They include divorce, mayonnaise, the primary care physician, beer, and napkins. As someone who likes Tex-Mex queso, this news is an especially harsh blow. (I also do really like mayonnaise!) It’s true I don’t put Kraft singles on every one of my sandwiches, but it is necessary for the spicy dip. However, now that I’ve received the memo to kill American cheese, I suppose I have to stop.
The question remains: What will we kill next?