A piano plays. We see a montage of faces. Happy faces. Perhaps, the happiest faces that have ever been happy before.
“Imagine having the power to make everyday moments more meaningful,” the screen reads. What is the secret? What ancient wisdom do they know that we do not know?
Two minutes of art-directed perfection later, we find out. The answer is Kohler’s new smart line of “Konnect” bathroom products. This voice- and gesture-controlled smart mirror, shower, bathtub, faucet, and, most of all, toilet promise to not just make your life better, but flood your psyche with nonstop waves of ecstasy from the moment the plumber tightens the final bolt on your porcelain throne.
We meet two young women who stand in front of the mirror, doing their makeup for what is surely their first school dance. A mother steps in behind them. Their mother? A stranger? The soul of Amazon Alexa herself, who is trapped for eternity inside the mirror like a ghost? No one knows.
“Alexa, turn the lights to 100%” she commands, and the girls’ faces are flooded with pure sunlight, warm honey trapped in photons, the purest light that has ever shined upon a youthful face. They react with glee to Thomas Edison’s scientific miracle, now able to inspect their pores with the power of a semi truck’s foglamps firing from three feet away.
Ghost mom departs. Her watch has ended.
A new dad lets out something of a growl crossed with a yawn. A grawn. He has a face that’s honest in the way that faces are at 3 a.m. when one is woken by a hungry, crying baby–it’s a face that admits to itself, “Maybe I shouldn’t have done this, maybe kids weren’t for me, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all last weekend installing a new kitchen sink if I’d never moved to the suburbs.”
New Dad cradles his newborn son, and whispers to the faucet as the glow of the moonlight filters through the window. “Pour eight ounces,” he says, swallowing his emotions down deep. The faucet dutifully fills his baby’s bottle with breast-warm water–or perhaps, vodka for New Dad’s own consumption–and everything is suddenly alright. New Dad and the faucet are becoming fast friends. Perhaps one day they will be something . . . more.
A woman lays in a bathtub while it snows cotton-light bubbles. She is surrounded by a Mayan tomb’s worth of solid gold tiles. And the gold is not the most luxurious thing in the room; it’s the fact that this bathtub “auto-filled” itself.
She exists on a spiritual plane beyond relaxation. Her face captures an entire life of good memories, lived at once, and every single one of those good memories is about this bathtub. You can tell. You can just tell.
A porcelain doll–nay, a young girl–grins. Why could she be smiling? We’ll tell you why.
Her name is Emily. And Emily’s warm seat is ready.
Emily’s warm seat is comfortable, sure, if the feeling of a thousand fireflies glowing a millimeter from one’s derriere could be translated into a crude and oversimplified emotion. But Emily’s warm seat also bends all rules of physics. It allows defecation through several layers of clothing. And it requires no wiping.
Only now are we beginning to witness the true power of Konnect.
A very real mom claps as if summoning a lap dog. This moment isn’t about you, Emily’s mom. It’s Emily’s time to shine.
But a child’s eyes are wide, and habits are easily learned. Now Emily believes that one must always clap to flush a toilet. This is, admittedly, is something of a blue note in Kohler’s opus.
“Start post-workout shower,” a man whispers to his own jawbone. But look closely, and you will notice, the water is already falling. He seems to be taking a shower before his post-workout shower, which opens the door to only two enthralling possibilities.
1. It is perpetually raining inside any Kohler bathroom, and not just a little bit, but with the same subaquatic sexual tension as the romantic climax from director Joe Wright’s 2005 adaptation of Pride & Prejudice.
2. The shower was the workout.
We now recognize that Jawbones is no ordinary male, but a fully ripped Gillette Mach 3 razor of distilled testosterone. And in this brief lull, we have a moment to reflect as to whether Jawbones might just be the same person as the regretful vodka father we met earlier. Is working out in the shower now his only escape from a mistake he must take with him to the grave? If so, let us say: It. Is. Working.
Now that our blood is pumping at maximum flow, we are ready to embrace the full power of Konnect.
A woman walks into the bathroom wearing satin pajamas. The sleepwear flutters across her skin; she doesn’t know where she ends and the warm exhalation of her lover begins.
And that lover is a toilet.
I want you to look at this woman’s expression right now and be completely honest with yourself. When is the last time another human being looked at you that way? When was the last time you felt the unbridled acceptance of a foreign body in space and time?
The toilet exhales upon her toes as her soul shivers. This is what it feels like to be alive. Truly alive.