Work/Life: Custom Tombstones For Those Too Busy to Deal



  • On this day in 1841, United States President William HenryHarrison ended the shortest term of any American chief executive (32 days afterhis swearing-in) by dying of pneumonia.   Talk about not getting a shot at making good on thatpromotion.   A friend of minequipped that perhaps the inscription on Harrison’s tombstone should have read,“maybe I shouldn’t have sworn so solemnly.” 
  • And it got me to thinking about how busy we all get, and howthe fickle finger of fate may step in right when we’re about to close thatmillion-dollar deal, cutting off not only our chances to make a milliondollars, but making us miss another important PTA meeting; this time, finally,for a legitimate reason.  
  • Sure, if I had my way, I might ask that my epitaph in stonecontain the usual platitudes: Loving Father, Adoring Husband; Beloved By AllWho Knew Him; Gone But Not Forgotten. But this week, I solicited a few trusted and game-for-a-laugh friends,and even my oldest daughter (she’s twelve, and, like many of that age weaned onslime-laden game shows on Nickelodeon, has no problem with morbid humor) tocome up with painfully honest tombstone sayings that would sum me up if Ishould kick the bucket tomorrow.  Iwill not say which friend came up with which saying (they submitted theirentries on a promise of anonymity), and my daughter, who also submittedanonymously, has nonetheless challenged readers to guess which one ishers.   Here, then, in noparticular order, are some fitting headstone inscriptions for a man strugglingwith work/life balance:  
  1. “I Believe This is What They Call The Bottom Line.”
  2. “ The Final Core Competency.”
  3. “Because I Could Not Downsize For Death, He Kindly DownsizedMe.”
  4. “At Last, Thinking Inside the Box.”
  5. “Quite the Paradigm Shift.”
  6. “Unlimited Night and Weekend Minutes.”
  7. “Now I Know How It Feels To Be Penciled In.”
  8. “I’m Going To Have to Reschedule That Lunch.”
  9. “You Want It When?”
  10. “Going…Going…GONE.” 
  • If anyone else has any epitaphs they might receive from abrutally honest friend (or themselves), feel free to send them in.