As you can imagine, we get a lot of really swell treats from PR firms around here. This week alone has seen some real doozies. There’s was the one-pound replica of human fat, complete with embedded blood stains (designed, ostensibly, as a gruesome reminder for overeaters to “watch what you eat”). Then there was the Star Wars DVD case that, as it turned out, included little more than some press documents about a Star Wars playing card set.
And, to top it off, Life Savers candy sent us a nifty apple-shaped candy dish (though the base is unexplainably large for the tiny amount of candy it holds, but I digress). Sure, it was great to get some sweets, but the real treat was getting to read the accompanying press release.
Apparently, the secret to a fulfilling life has nothing to do with Steven Covey, God, or Cheese that gets Moved. It’s all about having candy on your desk. Here are a few tasty morsels from the PR write-up on candy dishes:
- “Offering up a sweet treat from the office candy dish is more than just a nice gesture to co-workers–the dish may also serve as ‘the new water cooler,’ business tool and even a dating service, according to a new survey.”
- “The survey found that while 26% of candy dish owners share office gossip over sweet treats at the candy dish, dish distractions aren’t an issue [Thank God, snark added by FC]. Candy dish owners believe they are more organized (46% versus 32% of non-candy dish owners), hard working (63% of candy dish owners consider themselves hard working, versus 37% of their non-candy dish counterparts [Are we on another planet?, FC commentary again], creative (64% versus 46% without a candy dish in the office) and more likely to be team leaders (55% versus 40% of those without a candy dish in the office).
- “The delicious data further revealed that those who dish out candy on a regular basus are most likely to be female (69%), Republican (41%), married (56%) and twice as likely as non-candy dish owners to say they were extremely satisfied with their current job [In other words, borderline psychotic suburban women stuck in loveless marriages on a middling path to nowhere, interpretation added].”
- “The survey also found that there are many ‘bonuses’ to being a candy dish owner–not only are candy dish owners perceived to be more friendly (41%), more candy dish owners also received a financial bonus in the past year (43%) than non-candy dish owners (37%). While we know of no company that requires candy dishes as part of a job description [My God! Could this be right!?], sixty percent of survey respondents with candy dishes also reported that they received a raise last year, while 49% of non candy-dish owners reported getting a raise over the same period.”
- “The survey also found that even Cupid swings by the candy dish every now and then. Men seem to be the target of Cupid’s bow–men are twice as likely to get asked out on a date while dishing it up. Considering that 69% of candy dish owners are female, it isn’t surprising that 6% of men use a visit to the candy dish as an opportunity to flirt with co-workers.”
Well, hells bells, I must be doing something wrong then. I’ve had this candy dish on my desk all week and not only did I become even less organized, less hardworking, and less creative (hey, I caught a head cold), I didn’t get a bonus, nor have I flirted or been flirted with. Maybe next week I should fill it with the fake fat and see if that gives it a kick start.