CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….
My daughter’s elementary school is holding a mock primary today. I guess it’s important to introduce children to the importance of choosing the most qualified candidate who was capable of raising half a billion dollars in campaign funds. As she left this morning, she very sweetly told both my wife and myself, “If you guys were running, I would totally vote for you.”
Once I got over my gush of sentimentality (and the reflexive competitiveness that reared its head when I thought about the adrenaline rush of hypothetically competing in a primary with my own wife), I realized that no one out there is campaigning on a work/life ticket. So, allow me to be the first.
If elected, I pledge the following:
–To impose a 12% work/life tax on anybody who stays in the office past 7:01 p.m.
–Conversely, a generous tax refund shall be given to any person who can show proof of having spent 24 hours doing absolutely nothing.
–To work to eradicate, and possibly make criminal, the use of Bluetooth devices in public places.
–All in-car DVD players will be dismantled and replaced with a screen that reads, “let’s talk.”
–Whatever date on which “Celebrity Apprentice” is finally cancelled shall be declared a national holiday.
–The word “money” shall be replaced with the word “mange.” (After saying phrases such as “can I borrow some mange?” and “I only work to get more mange,” priorities will shift by osmosis.)
–Finally, I pledge to stem the tide of rampant and unprecedented growth in the Starbucks sector. Ready access to exotic caffeine-laden beverages is destroying our every attempt to remain non-wired.
–Oh, and I promise to do something about Blackberries. Not sure what yet, but my people will get on it.
I’m Tom Stern, and I approved this message. What would your campaign promises be?