CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….
In Croatia, Damir Matkovic, a popular TV journalist known for a dashing smile much-appreciated by his viewers, persuaded his employers to shell out 26 grand on oral surgery to prevent the spread of his periodontitis. They went for it, succumbing to the logic that if the guy’s teeth started falling out, they would lose a substantial audience who had come to grow rather fond of their favorite reporter’s pearly whites.
Of course, my mind went spinning out into all the arguments I could make for a host of legitimate expenses I would like to claim. Coffee, for one, as no productive activities can even hope to happen without it. My tennis club fee should also be paid by my employers, since all the aggression I get to take out on the court prevents me from randomly whacking them on the head with my racket during business meetings. In fact, now that I work from home, I think my clients should shell out for a percentage of my mortgage. (Indulge me on that one; I’m still trying to figure out how to make that work.)
All of this leads to another subject, which is: let’s get going on some financial incentives for work/life harmony. Here are just a few expenses that I believe businesses should start paying on behalf of the employees who sacrifice so much of their emotional lives to help them turn a profit every quarter:
1) NETFLIX – The small monthly fee it would cost your company to give you this service would provide a year-long opportunity to relax and watch a movie with your significant other one or two nights a week. The benefits are three-fold: your better-adjusted relationship will create a more congenial work environment the next day; inter-employee camaraderie with increase as water-cooler discussions about movies will become commonplace, and you can rent Rob Schneider movies anonymously through the mail without having to face the derisive glares of the video store clerk.
2) $100 PER WALK – Everyone knows walking is great exercise and increases mental capacity. So, for every day you agree not to come back from lunch drowsy after consuming fat and salt at a restaurant, or not to sit congealing in the break room, the company kicks in a hundred bucks to your cause. In return, you come back from your walk to the workplace energized, and ready to generate new ideas. Of course, you will also probably have indigestion, since you will likely have to scarf some pre-prepared food from your Tupperware before hiking for an hour, but a cool hundred is worth you delivering increased productivity along with a little acid reflux.
3) THE TELLING OFF THE CLIENT ALLOWANCE – No financial reward here, but perhaps one that is far more priceless in terms of managing stress and instilling good faith between you and those who hired you. Simply put, you are allowed two opportunities per month to tell an irritating client where they can stick it, and both times with your company’s blessing. Never has slamming down the phone been so satisfying…or so fully-sanctioned. The only downside is people will soon be pressing to do this far more than two times a month. Be prepared to vary your company policy.