Great news! I am authorized to extend to you a special introductory offer for a 30-day trial membership at Stern’s Total Fitness…the hottest new health club in town! Make good on your New Year’s resolutions by coming to the first gym that puts you through your work/life paces—these exercise regimens will have you feeling the burn in no time. Make ’08 the best year of your life by getting your butt into one of our exclusive workout regimens. Like:
SPIN CLASS – While you engage in exciting aerobic exercise, the instructor in this grueling tutorial provides a thumping soundtrack of can’t fail excuses for your inattentive behavior with your loved ones. Before you know it, you’ll have enough “spin” to hold even the most frustrated family members at bay. “The meeting went long,” “I’ll have more free time once the merger goes through” and “But I do all this for you!” are just some of the disco-beat public relations gambits that will work your quads, abs, thighs, buttocks and b.s.
THE GLARE MASTER – As you run in place on a treadmill (the perfect metaphor for your overworked, rat-race existence, after all), a computer screen in front of you depicts your spouse or significant other’s face glaring at you, looking more and more disgruntled the faster you run. Only when you slow down does the face soften, and when you stop altogether, it breaks into a smile. (You supply a jpeg image of your loved one, we do the rest.) Not very good exercise, but a frighteningly effective way to teach you how to rearrange your priorities.
THE SECRETARY SAUNA CHALLENGE – If you haven’t gotten the message yet that sometimes you need to relax, you will when your personal secretary barges into your sauna every two minutes to ask you if you need anything. Even you, you work-obsessed lunatic, will slowly understand that this is one intrusion you don’t need. We say slowly, because the first few times it’s really hard not to ask them to take care of something for you. Trust me, I’ve been there. Sometimes, it’s only the icy stares of ten other guys wearing nothing but a towel across their upper thighs that gets you to understand you’re doing something wrong.
FAMILY BENCH PRESS – Multi-tasking that actually does some good! You bench press members of your family while other members of your family spot you. A great way to get some much-needed physical contact with the people most important to you while toning your upper body. You’ll never take your child for granted again, as you live with the daily truth that he or she is responsible for your newfound muscle mass.
So don’t delay! Sign up for your introductory offer at Stern’s Total Fitness today! You have nothing to lose but your dignity! (And a non-refundable deposit.) If you have ideas for other work/life workouts, feel free to drop them in the comment box!