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We’ll come to you.

Parents out there know that Hannah Montana’s concert tour kicked off yesterday in St. Louis. Ticket re-sales are topping figures for Springsteen and the Police, and it’s been reported that some mommies and daddies are so desperate to get a seat for their kids that they’ve paid $3,000 a pop. Plus, to promote the shows in St. Louis, a local radio station persuaded about 150 men to race down the street wearing high heels for a chance at some free seats.

Balance of any kind, let alone work/life balance, is a major problem when you’re running in heels (well, so I’ve heard—I don’t speak from experience, I swear). That aside, such a flamboyant display of ridiculous behavior, even though it is an attempt to win a freebie, is still basically in aid of getting a material object to show a child that you care. One wobbly step back from a high-heeled foot race and the question might arise: what the heck am I doing? And that’s just the extreme. There are plenty of people shelling out hundreds for a chance to join the bubble gum rock chaos whether they can find size 13EE heels or not.

Let’s put something else at the end of that finish line. Suppose that radio station put out the call for guys who wanted a shot at spending more time away from work, more time with your family. Would we put on femme fatale footwear for that? Who needs to, right? If we want to make time for our loved ones, we will. No need to dress up and enter some silly contest to achieve that. Except we kind of have trouble committing to that goal. And we get busy, and then one of our children wants a Hannah Montana ticket, and well, we haven’t really had time to show them how much we love them lately, so we can dig deep, say, the monthly food budget of many families, and fork over the dough for a ticket to a couple of hours of entertainment calculated to numb the brain and make us forget that we had any priorities to begin with. Okay, that’s a lot of words to put into a pitch for a radio competition, but maybe if all the Dopey and Snarkey Morning Zoo jocks across the country framed it that way, they might get somebody willing to cross-dress in order to avoid such a no-win situation.

"All right, baby, it’s three minutes past the hour and, hey, Snarkey, we’re asking all the parents out there to paint their entire bodies blue and wear nothing but a thong, isn’t that right?"

"That’s right, Dopey, and if these nearly buck-naked blue-skinned folks will ride a unicycle down here to the station, the first one to get here without falling off their seat will get an incredible prize package from the Zoo."

"Whoo-hoo, Snarkey! What are we giving away to one lucky winner?"

"Well, Dopey, the first one to make it here painted blue and in a thong on a unicycle will get guaranteed better communication with everyone in their family, and a lifetime supply of understanding and the ability to work out any problem that comes their way."

"And will you look at this, Snark! There’s gotta be a hundred thousand naked blue people on unicycles headed this way!"

"Didn’t get that many for the Hannah Montana giveaway, Dopey!"

"Hannah who?"

You know, it’s almost Halloween anyway, so, folks, put on the weirdest outfit you can think of, hit the streets and imagine racing to a goal that will last a little longer than the flavor of the month. I have more opinions, but the really in-demand ones are currently going for three grand a ticket.