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Save the Endangered Workplace Species!

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade…. The Zoological Society of London has launched a new program to protect what they are calling some of the most bizarre and unusual animals in the world; ones they say have been completely overlooked by those in the world of species conservation. We all know that every workplace has its share of bizarre and unusual species, too, and may I be the first to wake up the world to their imminent extinction if something is not done soon.

CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade….

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The Zoological Society of London has launched a new program to protect what they are calling some of the most bizarre and unusual animals in the world; ones they say have been completely overlooked by those in the world of species conservation.

We all know that every workplace has its share of bizarre and unusual species, too, and may I be the first to wake up the world to their imminent extinction if something is not done soon.

THE NORTH AMERICAN IBM SELECTRIC OPERATOR. Often found hiding in dusty unused storage areas, this unique breed of mammal is the only one still familiar with how to operate an electric typewriter. Though at first they appear frightening, they are actually quite docile creatures that believe a keyboard should still emit loud, clanging, industrial-age type noises to be effective. This species is quite adept at showing you how it’s still faster to type an envelope than to try and figure out your printer’s highly-confusing methodology for same. Once printer technology becomes more user-friendly, the Selectric Operator could face certain annihilation.

THE GREAT CRESTED TELEPHONE RECEPTIONIST. The need for this plucky but doomed creature has been rapidly declining ever since a one-time fee could be paid to a non-union voice-over actress for recording every possible numerical combination and then saying, “for English, press one.” This vanishing breed is a close cousin to the Front Desk Receptionist, who has not yet become obsolete, but could well be wiped out once people realize that tele-conferencing, much like e-mail, allows one to never again endure a face-to-face meeting with some jerk they can’t stand.

THE PUFFY-CHESTED ASSOCIATE VICE PRESIDENT OF INTER-DEPARTMENTAL COMMUNICATION AND INTERNATIONAL MARKETING AND DEVELOPMENT. Come on. Nobody has ever known what this person does. It’s a miracle they haven’t become extinct already. Start letting folks with titles like this know you’re onto them, and you could hasten the evolutionary process.

THE TOXIC BOSS. Yes, thanks to Oprah and the various enlightened self-help authors who appear on her show, we have entered a golden age in which people in positions of power have looked inward at their own work/life imbalance issues and will never trouble any of us subordinates ever again. And if you believe that, perhaps you’ll like my new book, “The Seven Habits of Hans Christian Andersen.”

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Well, I have to go. They’ve just outsourced blogging to a warehouse in Bombay. In the meantime, have you spotted any other soon-to-be extinct species around your workplace?