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Some Want Ads I’d Like To See

A recent job posting in England featured the search for employees to work in a kinky dungeon as a dominatrix.

A recent job posting in England featured the search for employees to work in a kinky dungeon as a dominatrix.

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The ad, which sought those over 18 who were “reliable and open-minded” and who had the ability to stomp on people who “enjoy being trodden on,” went on to stress that previous trampling experience was not required. Needless to say, the ad caused some flack, but at least the prospective employers were honest and direct. Maybe so many of us wouldn’t feel tied to jobs we don’t like, and frustrated about work-life balance, if only our companies had told the truth in their job descriptions. Here are a few examples:

RETAIL WORKER WANTED FOR LARGE CHAIN DEPARTMENT STORE
Ability to show little or no interest in the needs of customers a definite plus. Must be familiar with the phrase “if it’s not on the shelf, we probably don’t have it,” along with an accompanying tendency to do anything rather than walk ten yards into a stockroom to check.

FUND RAISER NEEDED FOR NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION
Must be able to work long hours; proficiency at showing resentment about same will help you blend in with our staff of embittered, power-hungry people all of whom think they have the one right answer. An early awareness of the fact that non-profits are often not mellow at all, but microcosms of competitiveness and dysfunction to rival your average Hollywood studio is helpful. Experience shopping at Whole Foods essential.

SEEKING PROFESSIONAL SPORTS PLAYER
Willingness to be paid repulsive amounts of money so that people can hitch all their hopes and dreams to your skill, or lack thereof, is our only requirement.

TRASH COLLECTOR SOUGHT
Our ideal candidate will be a basically decent person who actually performs a very necessary and vital part of the city’s infrastructure. However, candidate should have a little aspect of their personality that gets a thrill out of waking people up in the pre-dawn hours with a very noisy truck.

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE NEEDED
Qualifications include an inability to say what you really think; in fact, being so entrenched in the political system that you cannot even order breakfast without checking with your spin doctors is a plus. Prioritizing playing to your base over the actual day-to-day needs of your constituents is also favored. Stiff, insincere manner welcome. And it couldn’t hurt to know Excel.

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What would your company’s job descriptions look like?