CEO DAD’S TUESDAY TIRADE
Even though I’m a comic strip character, I get the news. It’s hard not to, since my creator Tom Stern is addicted to CNBC (the greatest network in the country, and he doesn’t just think so because they’re helping him launch CEO DAD, the animated version of my life, either). The headlines filter in as I’m being “filled in” on the drawing board. And this week, I don’t know which to go on about first, Donald Trump’s granddaughter or that new “forever stamp.” Let’s start with Kai Madison Trump, whom I’ll bet can look forward to being babysat by her granddad very soon. And I’m sure the help he outsources to take care of her will be very well paid. And Kai can take some consolation in having no memory of her first six months of life, during which she will be referred to as “the latest Apprentice” so many times that a lot of those unoriginal well-wishers will deserve getting thrown-up on. Still, I’m sure having the only crib with servant’s quarters will be some consolation. Plus, she already has more convincing-looking hair than her grandpa does. Pity poor Kai, though, as she will be reared in the never-ending glare of the media spotlight. On the plus side, by the time she grows up, her family will own most of the liquor stores she might attempt to rob. Although she might spend a lot of money in therapy trying to work out her irrational animosity toward Rosie O’Donnell.
The Trump family, however, may be one of the few people out there who can actually buy enough of those “forever stamps” to make it worth their while. I did a little extrapolating yesterday (that’s all they let us do on our down time in comic strip land), and if one was to use, say, fifteen stamps a month and hope to have enough forever stamps to continue using into the year 2023, one would have to make an initial upfront investment now of around $1,200. All for the satisfaction of spending only 41 cents per stamp well into the next two decades. Most of us, of course, do not have that kind of capital to outlay on stamps. We could put that kind of money to much better use, say, by buying food, medical care, or the occasional Monster Tractor Pull on Pay-Per-View. No, I say we should do something much more symbolic. Set aside one “forever” stamp to use twenty years from now. What a thrill it will be to know everyone else is having to pay three or four bucks a pop to mail in their gas bill, but you’re doing it for 41 cents. Of course, by then all bill payments will be done online, and you’ll probably be out 41 cents, cursing yourself for ever being so petty as to try and save a few cents twenty years into the future.
So, how many extra “forever stamps” are you going to buy? And how soon will you forget that Donald Trump even has a granddaughter?