Today, April 30th, is National Honesty Day!
This is like a “Get Out of Jail Free” card for those who strive for work-life balance. A day to be radically honest, and with no punishment involved. (“Honey, to tell you the truth, I don’t care a scintilla about dinner with your self-involved, opinionated deadbeat of a brother.”) Now, it goes both ways, though, since everyone around you can also be brutally honest, and you don’t get to fight back, either. (“To be honest, dear, my brother hates you so much he once considered hiring some mobsters to break your legs. Luckily, he’s a deadbeat, and he couldn’t afford it.”) Further research about this day reveals that certain organizations hand out “Honest Abe Awards” to those who most exemplify the day’s tenets of pure honesty. These awards are affectionately called “Abies.” And so, today, I present to you the winners of this year’s Abies.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY MIDDLE MANAGEMENT IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Wally Viggers, Allied Alliance, Inc., Cleveland. For saying to his superior during a six-month review, “Frankly, your chronic halitosis makes it very difficult to perform to expectations. There’s this stuff called Listerine, dude.”
OUTSTANDING USE OF SOUND EFFECTS:
Jane Brady, Industrial Industries, Wausau. When asked during a Monday meeting what she thought of her boss, she responded with a two-and-a-half minute raspberry. This not only earned her applause from everyone at the meeting, but a place in the Guinness Book of Records for impersonating a fart.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY THE CLEANING CREW IN A TRUTH-TELLING ROLE:
Nathan Chalmers, who has been part of the cleaning staff at Consolidated Consolidations in Bethesda for a decade, was distinctly heard muttering as he passed by the receptionist’s desk, “…they don’t pay you to be rude to people, you unprofessional liability.” Not unexpectedly, the receptionist claims she never heard it.
OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN CASUAL COMMENTARY:
Eileen Watkins, Professional Professions, Boston. One day, purely out of the blue while staring out the window, Eileen blurted out, “is it me, or is the 401K in this dump completely useless?” Eileen was quickly promoted before she could cause any more trouble.
I encourage everyone to have their own Abie Awards today. As the famous saying goes, the truth will get you fired.