Things are always hopping here at Stern Co. Working with some of the greatest marketing geniuses in the business, I’m designing prototypes for a whole new line of Work-Life Balance Products. Here are just a few of the items you will no doubt want to pre-order before the rush:
THE WORK LIFE BALANCE BEAM
What happens is you walk on this specially-designed balance beam (actually a normal balance beam with a lithograph of my face silk-screened onto one end) while people step alongside you, trying to hand you a cell phone, an Excel spreadsheet, a Blackberry…anything that will distract you from your focus. If you fall off, you need to continue working on your overall balance. Estimated retail one thousand dollars. If you actually think you can afford this thing, then you probably need it more than anyone.
INSPIRATIONAL WALL HANGINGS
These are state-of-the-art black velvet paintings of the emotionally bereft overachievers we don’t want to become. Choose from Velvet Trump, Velvet Simon Cowell, Velvet Martha Stewart and Velvet Carrot Top.
DELICIOUS HAMBURGER ON A STRING
The most juicy, succulent, orgasmic burger on the planet. You want it bad…but you can’t have it. It’s attached to a string, on an electronically-controlled stick which keeps it out of your grasp as long as you continue to move. Developed with the leading clinical psychologists, this tool is designed to let the brain know the pleasure it is missing out on by being constantly on the go. We were going to develop a veggie burger version, but those people were already pretty mellow.
THE TALKING TOILET SEAT
When you rest your posterior on it, a recorded voice tells you that this is the only time you take to yourself, and you might want to consider grabbing a good book and sitting on there for a good while longer. Choose from a variety of good books, although we’re out of The DaVinci Code as it is the only title most people can read in one sitting.
I do hope these products will benefit you or someone you care about. Now get out there and find someone you care about.