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Give Me Ten Minutes And I’ll Give You a Ring…Tone

What’s your cell phone ring tone? Until yesterday, mine was the theme from M*A*S*H, until a friend told me there are actually lyrics to that song, and that the title of it is “Suicide is Painless.” I’m thinking of switching to the theme from “Laverne & Shirley.” It’s a little twee, but I find its “we’re gonna do it” message empowering.

What’s your cell phone ring tone? Until yesterday, mine was the theme from M*A*S*H, until a friend told me there are actually lyrics to that song, and that the title of it is “Suicide is Painless.” I’m thinking of switching to the theme from “Laverne & Shirley.” It’s a little twee, but I find its “we’re gonna do it” message empowering.

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Anyway, industrious capitalists and intellectual property owners are always looking for ways to cash in on the ring tone boom, and now you can have your favorite characters from The Cartoon Network yell at you to answer the phone. If the Aqua Teen Hunger Force can cause a panic with some suspicious packages in Boston, imagine what they can do for you when your cell phone goes off during the movie. Some of the voices, apparently, build in intensity with each successive ring.

This got me to thinking, though, about how the right ring tone can promote work-life balance. Here are a few suggestions:

THE SPOUSE RING TONE (REQUIRES TECH SAVVY WIFE OR HUSBAND)

First ring: “Don’t answer that.”
Second ring: “You’re supposed to be enjoying some quiet time at home, moron.”
Third ring: “Can’t you let work go for even two seconds?”
Fourth ring: “Oh, great. I know you. You’re going to answer it, aren’t you, you loser?”
Fifth ring: “Wow, you surprised me. Let’s have make up sex.”

THE CHILD RING TONE (NO WORRIES, MOST FIVE YEAR OLDS KNOW MORE ABOUT COMPUTERS THAN YOU DO)

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First ring: “I love you Daddy (or Mommy).”
Second ring: “Don’t invalidate my existence by prioritizing business over me.”
Third ring: “I grow up so fast. Don’t miss these crucial moments.”
Fourth ring: “Let’s play!”
Fifth ring: “Oops. Sorry I just cost you a multi-million dollar deal. Rememberr…I LOVE YOU!”

THE DONALD TRUMP RING TONE

First ring: “Phone’s ringing.”
Second ring: “Come on, get a move on.”
Third ring: “There are no second chances. Answer the call.”
Fourth ring: “Wait a minute…you’re not answering this.”
Fifth ring: “You’re saying there are things more important than work?”
Sixth ring: “Hold on, let me get my head around this.”
Seventh ring: “Um…I think I see my overachieving existence for the hollow charade it is.”
Eighth ring: “I don’t think I can go on…I…” (CALL GOES TO VOICEMAIL)

I don’t know if the Trump one is commercially available yet, but we can hope that one day it will be. Meantime, why not rope your spouse or child into helping you make your phone an emotionally enriching experience? Just to avoid litigation, you might consider paying them.

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