TEN EASY WAYS TO WORKPLACE FENG SHUI
Finding out that someone has budgeted more for monkeys than for you can be a sobering experience, but that seems to be the case here in clown town, where the L.A. Zoo has decided to design its new Chinese monkey house with the proper Feng Shui.
For those who are not aware, Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of arranging one’s space to optimize harmony with the universe. This is especially important for monkeys, who, until they brought in the Feng Shui consultant, probably hurled their own feces at all the wrong angles. Those who believe in intelligent design are bound to be furious at this: after all, you gotta figure God already had a plan for which painting to put the sofa under.
Well, I got to thinking maybe it’s time for every company to invest in a little Feng Shui for the workplace. If employees felt they were in harmony with the universe each day they came to the job, the ultimate goal of good work-life balance could be that much more within our reach. Unlike the L.A. Zoo, I cannot afford to bring in a consultant, but since I myself am only occasionally more emotionally advanced than a primate, I figured I’d knock out a list of how you, too, can get all the benefits of ancient wisdom within reach of your office, desk, cubicle or small patch of industrial grade carpet.
1.Place a mirror on the floor, facing backwards on or near the southeast corner of your work area. I’m not sure why we do this, but I know if you don’t face it backwards, you will probably just be getting a view of your own crotch all day.
2.Position all potted plants at or near the main entrance and exit. This is either to create a sense of life near the point of entry and departure, or to give you something to hide behind while they’re trying to track you down for your six-month review.
3.Keep a full glass of water by your computer. If it spills on the keyboard, you have an excellent excuse for not getting any work done.
4.Do not bring spicy food to your workstation. Unless you bring Beano with it.
5.Place a frog totem by the photocopier. In China, the frog is the spirit animal of toner.
6.Keep a little tray of spare change by the telephone on your desk. It is good to have some money handy when you run up a large bill with the SLAVIC HOTTIES phone chat line.
7.Make sure your main office chair faces northwest. In ancient cultures, this is the symbolic direction of comfortable buttocks.
8.Bring your own paper towels into the company restroom. This has nothing to do with Feng Shui, but let’s face it there’s never any in there.
9.When you first enter your main work area, take two steps to the right, and two steps back, then re-enter. A little Motown on the Ipod will make this much more interesting.
10.Do not under any circumstances work in a place with fluorescent lighting. Wait, check that, it should be do not work in a place with fluorescent lighting and idiot co-workers. Hold on, it’s don’t work with fluorescent lighting, idiot co-workers and a crappy dental plan. Look, just quit. There’s got to be something better out there.
Hope you found these suggestions helpful. I was facing due east while writing them. I have no idea why.