CEO Dad’s Tuesday Tirade
Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been in litigation all week. You’ve probably noticed that “Peanuts” still runs in a lot of papers. Ipso facto, somebody is still making money on Charlie Brown even though Charles Schulz has joined the choir invisible. Quite frankly, as a cartoon character, I want a piece of that action, and I’m willing to bend the rules to get it. Mary Worth and her goodie-two-shoes meddling be damned! In case you’ve forgotten, I am the one and only Frank Pitt, styrofoam packing peanut mogul, and figurehead of Tom Stern’s comic strip CEO DAD. (www.ceodad.com) This is a strip which explores the realities of being an uncompromising businessman, unlike that “other” travesty set in the workplace, Dilbert. A strip I have discovered, admittedly belatedly, but which I have now resolved to use everything in my power to destroy.
Since I last wrote, I have been privy to the character of Dilbert’s boss. His name, if you can stand the staggering amount of imaginative prowess, is “Boss.” For this, Scott Adams gets to roll naked in money every single day? “Boss” is a blight on the reputation of bosses everywhere, and is utterly unlike me in every regard. Firstly, Adams has made him the figure of power in Dilbert’s universe, but is clearly under-qualified. Can’t writers think of anything more original than that tired device of the authority figure being clueless about how clueless he is? (Sorry, just one second, I have to go console the widow of a recently deceased employee. For some reason, she’s upset about my decision to cushion his casket with packing peanuts.) Dilbert’s boss is bald, but not in the Yul Brynner/Vin Diesel way of the warrior CEO like I am. This man has two spirals of frightening hair shooting up either side of his head like the cones on Madonna’s bra. Finally, he seems to have the I.Q. of a cough drop, and is often put in his place by a freaking cat. The cat, Catbert, also talks, much like the dog, Dogbert, both of whom I have since discovered are allowed to hang out in the office! If this were my workplace and it was overrun by mangy critters like these, we’d be calling the pound faster than you can say “ingredients for hot dogs.”
Well, I have to go. My cartoon wife and cartoon children say I do not spend enough time with them. Apparently, I have to perfect something called my “work-life balance.” At least I’m not part of Dilbert’s world, where the biggest challenge is dork-life balance.
Frank Pitt, CEO DAD