Office Handbook

Hawaiian shirts in the office are still a no-no.

To fully enjoy the summer months, employees must adhere to the following seasonal policies through 8:00 a.m. EDT, Tuesday, September 6, 2005.


Dress: In general, a more “relaxed” style of dress is allowed during the summer. Acceptable clothing, however, does not include ornately woven man sandals, leopard patterns of any sort, and obscene souvenir T-shirts from vacations past. In addition, IT employees may not wear Hawaiian prints, short shorts, or any item bearing large, untreatable sweat stains.

Hours: Since employees routinely leave by noon on Fridays anyway, all are asked to add two hours to their normal workdays Monday through Thursday. To compensate for the generosity of this program and for its inevitable abuse, base pay will be cut by 35% while summer hours are in effect. Note that this benefit is not voluntary.

Interns: Summer interns should be selected from the pool of highly qualified children of Company executives and their clients. They may be employed in noncritical functions such as sales, technical support, and, depending on ability, Company-sponsored softball teams. Thanks to a recent report from Human Rights Watch, however, the ninth-annual Intern Chariot Races have been scrapped.

Child care: Responding to employee demand, the Company has created Kidz ‘n’ Kompany Kamp — an all-day program designed to give your tots a leg up in their future careers. Departments such as collections, custodial services, and security are currently enrolling children ages 4 to 18. Cost for KKK is $4,500 per child, which includes uniform and coffee breaks and may be deducted from your pretax paycheck.

Company Picnic: The deliriously fun annual picnic is scheduled for August 27. A full listing of events in which the CEO will be participating (and thus expecting to win) will be posted. Attendance is mandatory; failure to appear as if you are having fun will result in harsh disciplinary action. Please adjust your vacation plans accordingly.