Congratulations! After a highly successful year, the Compensation Committee has set aside 0.25% of net income above budget for performance-based bonuses. To qualify, please complete the following self-evaluation.
- Describe your work style (circle one): (a) solid contributor; (b) ambitious backstabber; (c) deadweight buying time until layoffs.
- Assess your physical appearance. Men should list height, weight, and percentage of hair loss; women must include chest and waist size, along with a recent photo.
- What is your favorite color? (Technically, there are no wrong answers. But we'll see what our consulting psychologist says.)
- List three people you think should be fired and why.
- Describe any conditions that may require you to make claims on the company health plan in the next year. Would you be willing to submit a DNA sample?
- List any reasons (e.g., children, having a life) that would prevent you from working 80-hour weeks.
- Women: Specify the approximate date you plan to bear offspring.
- List three things you've done over the past six months that could get you fired. (Include capital crimes on HR Form 27-A.)
- Would you break the law for the company? Specify which felonies you would be willing to commit. Approximately how many years would you gladly serve for a work-related conviction?
- If the building were on fire and you could save only three people, who would they be? (Consider the value of management to your career prospects.)
A version of this article appeared in the February 2005 issue of Fast Company magazine.