Office Handbook

To facilitate an open dialogue with employees, suggestion boxes labeled “Ask Us!” have been placed in all Company bathrooms. Please adhere to the following guidelines.

Participation: Employees are required to submit at least one suggestion per quarter. Appropriate topics include praise for upper management, identification of underperforming coworkers, and throwaway ideas that will never in a million years be implemented. Failure to help foster communication for two or more consecutive quarters will be met with harsh disciplinary action.

Anonymity: While employees are not required to sign submissions, notes containing criticism of management, constructive or otherwise, will be subject to DNA testing and matched against samples taken at the annual Employee Swab Day. Otherwise, every effort will be made to protect employee confidentiality.

Inappropriate Material: Placing small, live animals, shaving cream, or photocopies of one’s unsheathed posterior in an “Ask Us!” box constitutes a gross violation of company policy. (Exceptions will be made for inner-circle senior management and/or their proteges.)

Trivial Topics: Employees are urged to keep all suggestion topics to matters of substance. The Company therefore discourages complaints regarding pasta portions in the cafeteria, OSHA-noncompliant furniture, or the discontinuation of those little gourmet coffee packs. Executive compensation is strictly off-limits.

Recognition: On the slim chance that a suggestion is implemented, the responsible employee shall receive a company T-shirt (limit: one per year). Otherwise, all rights and future potential royalties belong exclusively to the Company.