Office Handbook

In the course of your work, you’ll likely encounter other human beings. In such instances, please adhere to the following guidelines.

Bodily odor: Employees should limit emission of smells, whatever their form, to a 10-inch personal radius. Unless specifically exempted by your supervisor, deodorant is required. (Please note that, as of July 1, 2004, this will be enforced in our French offices as well.) Failure to observe this rule could result in informal ostracism.

Hair (cranial): Women are encouraged to mimic whatever cut Carly Fiorina is currently sporting. Female employees with significant moustache and/or beard growth may be eligible for the Company-sponsored electrolysis program (contact your benefits manager for details). For men, halfhearted comb-overs, plugs, weaves, and toupees are strictly forbidden and will be cause for harsh disciplinary action.

Hair (bodily): Particularly hirsute workers must keep growth under reasonable control. Males shall conceal thick chest and back hair; in any case, no more than the top shirt button may be unfastened. Women are asked to remove all visible hair below the knees.

Breath: Managers should ensure that offensive breath does not interfere with day-to-day operations. To that end, garlic bagels will be barred from all department functions. Employees who receive three or more breath citations from coworkers will be required to attend a weeklong dental-hygiene seminar.

Noises: Extraneous noises produced by a normally functioning body are strictly prohibited in shared public spaces, including open cubicles. This includes loud belching, prolonged phlegm extraction, flatulence, and hiccups.FCS