Office Handbook

In the course of your work, you may be required to train an offshore worker hired to replace you at one-tenth the cost. In such a situation, please adhere to the following guidelines.

Cultural sensitivity: Help make new employees feel welcome. Outgoing personnel are encouraged to invite their successors for bowling or a collegial round of cocktails after hours. Conversely, management discourages coarse imitations of Indian accents or the wearing of oversized novelty turbans. Chants of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” will not be tolerated.

Sabotage: Associates must refrain from knowingly misguiding new foreign colleagues as to the nature of their assignments (e.g., “No, really. We intentionally crash the system twice a day.”). Likewise, the destruction of Company property will be met with stiff Orwellian punishment. Remember, your address and Social Security number remain in our files indefinitely.

Media Appearances: Contact with any media organization that may impugn the reputation of the Company is strictly forbidden. Similarly, book and movie deals may trigger a vengeful character-assassination campaign. Please refer all inquiries to public relations at the Company’s Bermuda headquarters.

Severance Pay: In recognition of your efforts, the Company offers one week’s pay upon completion of your training assignment–plus $100 if you refer an offshore worker who is eventually hired. In addition, a Company-logo coffee mug will be awarded to employees with at least 15 years of continuous service.

Reemployment: Employees who successfully adhere to the above guidelines may be eligible for part-time contract work, which pays less and provides zero benefits.FCS