One of the great mysteries of our time is why so few professionally funny people tend to be conservative. In searching for answers, you might want to survey what it is that conservatives find laughable. There’s Milo Yiannopoulos’s faux-ironic shock humor, Piers Morgan’s horrendous hackery, and of course the time when Donald Trump announced that, while he used to call CNN “Fake News,” he now calls it Very Fake News, which a legion of Twitter Eggs had a huge guffaw over. For a master’s thesis in how conservative humor can fall flat, however, one need look no further than the transcendently unfunny Twitter feed of Mike Huckabee.
Mike Huckabee is a former Arkansas governor, multi-time presidential candidate and ersatz host of the Fox News talk show, Huckabee, which amazingly does not bear an exclamation point at the end. He’s also the author of God, Guns, Grits and Gravy, a critical look at the all-time leading causes of death in the American South. See what just happened, just then? It was a joke. Not a great joke, by any means, but there was a set-up and a punchline and everything. Mike Huckabee probably wouldn’t like that joke, but he’s a big fan of the form itself–not just hearing jokes, but making them too. Huck got jokes, alright. He’s got so many of them. Mike Huckabee’s main job these days seems to consist of armchair open mic-ing the events of the day.
For instance, it was a particularly big afternoon for the man who was once in charge of governing the state of Arkansas, as he livetweeted the Gorsuch confirmation hearing like it was the Golden Globes.
Breaking News! Jimmy Dean Sausage Co will be renamed GORSUCH SAUSAGE because he's grinding up some Democrat Senators into PURE PORK SAUSAGE!
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 21, 2017
Leahy at Gorsuch hearing is more effective than Ambien in inducing sleep; He makes Hillary look like a candidate for Dancing w/ the Stars!
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 21, 2017
Every day is a day for topical jokes, though, when you’re former presidential candidate and least funny person on Twitter, Mike Huckabee.
CNN launching its own social media platform to rival Zuckerburg's-Zucker vs. Zuckerburg. CNN will call their new site "FakeBook."
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 21, 2017
Rachel Maddow tonight reveals Amelia Earhart & Jimmy Hoffa are found; they married and had a child–Snoop Dog, who paid no taxes ever!
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 15, 2017
Watch celebs spew ignorant political venom at Oscars?? Nah…think I'd rather have a colonoscopy. Both happen from same location.
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) February 26, 2017
It wouldn’t be so excruciating to read Huck’s Twitter if it were merely filled with hacky dad jokes about the Super Bowl and daylight saving time, which it is. It’s that his constant stabs at topical humor are coming from such a prominent person that they wind up in the overlapping echo chamber of both Media Twitter and Political Twitter. If you’ve spent time in either of those hallowed hellmouths, you know just how hard it is to stand out as being bad at making topical jokes. Huckabee always manages to make it look easy, though. Not only are his jokes unfunny, they’re almost aggressively antifunny.
Liberals end CA drought by crying river of tears cause mean ol' @realDonaldTrump fired Obama political appointees! Kleenex stocks up 400%!
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 11, 2017
Confession:watched LaLa Land on flight from Amsterdam. Loved it! I had thought LaLa Land was about Dems in DC defending Obamacare.
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 7, 2017
CNN doing DNC Chair debate tonight; pretty sure CNN gave them questions in advance and will have a group hug at the conclusion.
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) February 23, 2017
Why do people holding "Love Trumps Hate" signs look so mean? No love or joy on faces. Are they angry and unhappy or just constipated? #MAGA
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) January 21, 2017
It’s the smugness that’s galling. Also the reiteration of far right talking points, officious deference to the president, and animosity toward traditional joke structure. For better or worse, people actually listen to this man. His words carry weight. So it’s especially dispiriting that his terrible jokes also function as propaganda. He especially has a soft spot for reiterating how implausible it is that there is anything suspicious about either Russia or Trump’s many, many connections to Russia, despite massive, mounting evidence to the contrary. Our president is under investigation by the FBI… and that’s HILARIOUS.
I'm vindicated! Comey failed to implicate me today with Russian collaboration. He will later confirm I didn't kidnap the Lindbergh baby.
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 20, 2017
Full disclosure:I have NOT met with Russian AMB, but did have Russian dressing on a salad last September. I'll recuse from salads for a week
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 3, 2017
Congrats to Tom Price at HHS. Solid choice. Sen Schumer, he doesn't hate seniors-he IS one! Be nice and Dr Price will give you a sucker!
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) February 10, 2017
Like many amateur comedians, his sense of humor often leads to offense. He’ll tweet using rap cadence, offending the sensibilities of anyone who has ever enjoyed even one Biggie bop. Or he’ll insult the memory of slain trans martyr, Brandon Teena, achieving the impossible by briefly making Zach Braff look cool and spurring Cameron Esposito to raise thousands in Teena’s honor with just one tweet.
Breaking news from Hollywood! Sen. Chuck Schumer cast in lead role for remake of "Boys Don't Cry."
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) February 5, 2017
Also, like most comedians and battle rappers, Huckabee has a sensitive spot that can be used against him, and frequently is. While insults about the sheer, mesmeric unfunniness of Huckabee’s jokes always haunt his Twitter mentions, some of his critics prefer to get way more personal. These people will bring up the time that then-Governor Huckabee’s son allegedly murdered a dog. It’s an uber-
, scorched earth reply that’s haphazardly hurled at nearly all of Huckabee’s tweets. The practiced may have reached its pinnacle the other day when he tweeted an epically awful joke involving dogs.
Poop Dogg has nephew named Bow Wow; both bad dogs who advocate murder and sex slavery for @POTUS and First Lady;Who let the dogs out?
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 17, 2017
Whether he deserves that kind of attack or not, one thing is for sure: Mike Huckabee is very bad at jokes. Of course, the worst part about his jokes, similar to Milo and other far-right funnymen is that when critics suggest they aren’t funny, they insist that those those critics just aren’t advanced enough as humans to get their jokes.
I Tweet for my amusement and your amazement. To haters trolls and humorless people-you really shouldn't follow me. It's way over your head!
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 21, 2017
Trust us, Mr. Huckabee, your humor is not over our heads—it’s beneath our contempt. Well, almost beneath it.