The Tabs Down Under: Let’s Dance (With Spiders)

Circus Peanuts are bad.

The Tabs Down Under: Let’s Dance (With Spiders)
[Photo: Flickr user k_tjaaa]

It’s Friday again, and joining us today is Elmo Keep, who has written about transhumanists and tech weirdos for The Verge, The Awl, Motherboard, and others. But also, she is Australian, so today she’s going to catch us up on lurking horrors, antipodean and otherwise.


Hello and good afternoon, Elmo Keep here. I bring word from my home country of Australia, where English is utilised correctly and everyone enjoys universal health care without the country falling to communism. Also where kangaroos commit necrophilia, but that’s not something you should worry about. Rusty is so unimaginably lazy that he’s taken the day off, and that is something you should worry about, because now here I am.

There was no shortage of beautifully observed tributes this week after the untimely ascension of the man who fell to Earth, not the least of which was the ABC’s commemoration of the video for “Let’s Dance,” filmed in a pub in the remote town of Carinda, in northern New South Wales. Population: 194.

Bowie had traveled extensively in Australia in the ‘80s and found its entrenched racism troubling: “As much as I love this country, it’s probably one of the most racially intolerant in the world, well in line with South Africa,” he said, which could just as easily be said in 2016 as it was in 1983. At The Guardian, Stan Grant wrote about what it meant to him to see indigenous faces on MTV:

“Remember, this was 1983. We were virtually invisible, black faces were rare on our screens. I can’t overstate how stunning it was to see Aboriginal people in a film clip, with David Bowie.”

Go well, Starman.

In the news outside of Prison Island, Holly Wood dared to point out that some men in Silicon Valley who loudly claim to advocate on behalf of women in tech might not actually be doing that, at all. Technology Man Jason Calcanis helpfully suggested that women being harassed online should deal with it by engaging the police, or arming themselves. That seems like a very good and sensible answer that does not in any way further prove the point of the original essay. It’s definitely a better answer than, say, a huge well-funded platform finding ways to remedy threats of violence. Tangentially related: “malevolent self-hating weirdo” throws epic tantrum. Someone alert the President!

Speaking of clowns, have you ever wanted to get into clown dating? The app that will kill Tinder has finally arrived, you heard it here first, VCs!


In other great news, robots are going to take all the jobs that haven’t already been taskified down to pennies an hour, but not the best job in the world: cuddling baby goats. (Apply here!) Though, there is something amiss about goats, isn’t there, with their horrifying square pupils? In Australia, we mostly cuddle deadly pregnant snakes or wasps that make zombie slaves out of spiders instead. We have plenty of spiders, but here’s a whole factory full of spiders right here in the States! Over 100 million, reported some insane person who went inside. Feeling relaxed yet? Once all the world’s wasps have been lured here in search of endless zombie slaves we can finally put the planet’s remaining 16,000 armed nuclear warheads to good use.

In the mean time, Squirrel Club is called to order. Owl: papped. Space rock: old. Re: space, a reminder: “Just a reminder about space.” Keep on trying to send people to Mars for no good reason, friendo. Perhaps you’ll have more luck if the planet is renamed after David Bowie.

Happy new year to the rest of the world

Posted by Brown Cardigan on Thursday, December 31, 2015

I will have failed abysmally here if I have not assured you that Australia is both exceedingly friendly and completely safe. Everything is fine!

Sweet dreams, everyone.


Oh! And, it has come to my attention that many ~media people~ read these here TABS so in parting I would like to say, America, Circus Peanuts are terrific. They are definitely not the flavor of peanuts but rather of bananas and that is okay and all part of their charm. I’m so glad this was settled, goodbye and good day.

Hey, I’m on Twitter! Circus Peanut-related queries only.

Today’s Song: Weezer, “King of the World

~And she said, “Do you tab from a land down under? Where women glow and men plunder?~

Thanks Elmo! And thanks for that subtle warning about Circus Peanuts. You were definitely right to turn in your tabs yesterday and tell me I could edit them however I wanted to. You’ve made a lot of good content decisions today for sure! Tabs will be back next week, on Fast Company as always, and in your email when you subscribe.


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