Y’all Quaida, Vanilla ISIS, Yokel Haram, call them what you will. But there’s no doubt that Cliven Bundy’s son Ammon, supported by the rest of his Webelos troop1, is taking a stand against high National Park gift shop prices with his heroic invasion of a deserted bird sanctuary in Oregon. Bundy and his heavily-armed Lard’s Resistance Army broke into and declared possession of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge headquarters or, as ABC News put it:
Peaceful protest followed by Oregon wildlife refuge action: https://t.co/1KVABOa2tY
— ABC News (@ABC) January 3, 2016
The militias were in Burns, Oregon to protest the re-sentencing on arson charges of local ranchers Dwight and Steve Hammond, who have been fighting with the Bureau of Land Management since the 1980s, at times violently. But even they don’t want anything to do with the Bundys and their Hatzbollah, and Burns residents sound like Syrians warily eying an ISIS base just outside their town.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
— Kylie Brakeman (@sexypitabread) January 3, 2016
The angry campers appear to be called to YeeHawd by a peculiar brand of militant Mormonism, and, among other unusual beliefs, to regard the U.S. Constitution as holy scripture. Which is to say: these dudes are crazy as hell, whatever calm Bundy “exudes” in his never-ending jeremiads against the evil government.
While the FBI consults with the only American who is genuinely angry about this situation, Birdlord Jonathan Franzen, Ammon and the rest of his Pathetic Lao have settled in for a long siege, should anyone ever care enough to besiege them. They are well stocked with weight benches and pale ale, and aside from their god-given liberty, they are only lacking one thing, as their revolutionary battle flag proclaims:
[UPDATE] Upon learning that “Malheur” is French for “sickness,” supporters of Donald Trump began preparing for an occupation of Racisme National Park just as soon as they can find it. More on this story: very late tonight, when you ought to be sleeping peacefully.
Special thanks today to Tabs Art Director Alison Headley for the Snacksden Flag. For more from Today in Tabs, subscribe here!
Including Captain Moroni, Ivo Shandor, Vinz Clortho, Gozer the Gozerian, and Zuul. ↩