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Today in Tabs: The Tabs Are Strong In My Family

There is no dark side of the tabs, really. Matter of fact, it’s all dark.

Today in Tabs: The Tabs Are Strong In My Family
[Photo: Flickr user Holley And Chris Melton]

Now openly at war with its new owner, Sheldon Adelson, the Las Vegas Review-Journal reported that last month its newsroom was used as an oppo research unit to investigate a judge who is hearing a case against the creepy casino billionaire. The assignment was very mysterious until the exact second they found out that Adelson was the one who bought them. Yesterday the editorial page published a list of how its positions are likely to change as soon as Adelson’s hand is the one jammed up its puppet backside. This hostile stance has been widely hailed as “brave” by journalists, who all secretly wish they could write about how awful their owners are, too.

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But not the journalists of the Amazon Post! They are all basking in a newsroom Bezossance according to glowing near-simultaneous profiles in Businessweek and The Wall St. Journal. E-commerce genius and immortal Dragonlord Jeff Bezos has personally handed down gems of online wisdom such as: “the pages should load… faster!” It turns out that web traffic rises when you dump money into a newspaper and hire a lot of new staff. Merry Christmas Jeff! For your present you can choose increased web traffic or profitability, but you can’t have both!1

Meanwhile: An executive of German media conglomerate Axel Springerreturned… from Palo Alto with a hoodie, sneakers and a lumberjack beard” before the company bought Business Insider for $343 million. The dumbest investors on earth are Germans trying to be cool. Speaking of which, Capital New York’s Ken Doctor says Mashable is for sale, in a deal being led by Deutsche Bank. Sounds like incredibly symmetrical founder/namesake Pete Mashable knows where his Bauernbrot ist gebutterte. Next year in the media: we will all dogearmark our bitscriptions contextually, says Vox Media’s director of product design and suspected German Ryan Gantz. And Margaret Sullivan will end her run as Times public editor next year, but it’s not for me to say that I should replace her. I will leave that to others to demand.

The new Hermione is black, because the old one also could have been. Everything Is Broken Part MMMXCLVII: “Hello, Kiddie” and Juniper firewalls appear to be nothing but backdoors. The Internet of Things is still garbage. Want to read about Martin Shrekli2 some more? Hard to imagine why, but here’s his Vanity Fair profile. Also he got fired and his Twitter was hacked. The Shkreli backlash backlash can be expected in early January. Meanwhile, on Tumblr: queer witches are fighting about whether it’s ok to sell stolen human remains.

Go See A Star War: I don’t really agree with either of them but Richard Brody and David Edelstein had interesting reviews of The Force Awakens. The Verge went hard on the tech angle. And bros claiming Rey is a Mary-Sue: shaddap. There are five more Star Wars films in development, and they clearly don’t have to be any good, so it looks like there will be new Star Wars movies long after all of us are dead. The only thing you really should read about Star Wars is Jon Bois on the infamous 1978 Star Wars Christmas Special.

It’s hard to believe but we only have three more days with Intern José! On Wednesday, he will be taking over entirely for his Graduation Tabs, and I hope he will tell us whether online media looks more or less promising than indie music after his month here on media’s Jakku, at the provincial outer fringes of the Empire.

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by JOSÉ DÍAZ ROHENA

Last week I peaked on Monday and had a crisis of confidence on Tuesday, eventually opting to punt and have my (totally not me) backwards-baseball-cap-wearing buddy DJ Chad take care of my Tabs. Thanks to the holidays, I’ve only got three Tabs left to redeem myself. It’s ok, my birthday is on the 24th so I’m used to being screwed by Christmas.

I like how you can totally tell which part of this song was written by David Longstreth. Let me add “write something for Kanye” on my list of #goals. You reading this bro? Anyway, I love him in this video. He looks totally lame and out of place, the way I look always.

Kim Kardashian now has emoji. Someone tell Hillary. I hope Kanye follows up—I’d really like to see an emoji that can communicate whatever this is:

Related: this unfortunately named episode of Reply All about the guy who made sure you’d all be able to look at pictures of Kim’s butt without the Paper Mag’s servers crashing.

All of that was meant to serve as an introduction, but it looks like I got interrupted by Kanye. Margaret E. Jacobsen did an experiment where she recorded and responded to the racist things people said and did to her. So if you want to know how I feel, skip to the end, where she’s so drained from responding from every stupid thing a white person says to her she’s just like “whatever, touch my hair and get it over with.”

I’d like to take this opportunity to (not) apologize for any discomfort I may have caused to the white people in my life. Especially the guy who asked where I was from and then explained that his “wife is Latin,” and the German woman to whom I had to explain the fact that I’m not white?! Please accept this oral history of Bernie Sanders’s folk record as a gesture of peace and reconciliation.

I’ve walked into a sign just like that. Yet another thing Kanye and I have in common.

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Today’s Year End List: Caitlyn White’s 10 Most Overrated Albums of 2015 is entirely correct.

Today’s Song: all the music we have so far from the new Frank Ocean:

~When 900 tabs you read… Look as good, you will not.~

Happy shortest day of the year from Today in Tabs! It all gets better from here until it starts getting worse again. For two more days you will find us on Fast Company or in your email and then it’s too late until next year! Not that I’m looking forward to it.3


  1. All that said, if anyone can send me this toilet memo, please do. ↩

  2. Just scroll down to the correction, you don’t care about the Brooklyn chocolate bros. ↩

  3. I AM TOTALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT ↩

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