4 calling birds mostly text these days
— Richard Marsh (@RichardBMarsh) December 16, 2015
Now openly at war with its new owner, Sheldon Adelson, the Las Vegas Review-Journal reported that last month its newsroom was used as an oppo research unit to investigate a judge who is hearing a case against the creepy casino billionaire. The assignment was very mysterious until the exact second they found out that Adelson was the one who bought them. Yesterday the editorial page published a list of how its positions are likely to change as soon as Adelson’s hand is the one jammed up its puppet backside. This hostile stance has been widely hailed as “brave” by journalists, who all secretly wish they could write about how awful their owners are, too.
But not the journalists of the Amazon Post! They are all basking in a newsroom Bezossance according to glowing near-simultaneous profiles in Businessweek and The Wall St. Journal. E-commerce genius and immortal Dragonlord Jeff Bezos has personally handed down gems of online wisdom such as: “the pages should load… faster!” It turns out that web traffic rises when you dump money into a newspaper and hire a lot of new staff. Merry Christmas Jeff! For your present you can choose increased web traffic or profitability, but you can’t have both!1
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
— Star Wars Spoilers (@longwall26) December 20, 2015
Meanwhile: An executive of German media conglomerate Axel Springer “returned… from Palo Alto with a hoodie, sneakers and a lumberjack beard” before the company bought Business Insider for $343 million. The dumbest investors on earth are Germans trying to be cool. Speaking of which, Capital New York’s Ken Doctor says Mashable is for sale, in a deal being led by Deutsche Bank. Sounds like incredibly symmetrical founder/namesake Pete Mashable knows where his Bauernbrot ist gebutterte. Next year in the media: we will all dogearmark our bitscriptions contextually, says Vox Media’s director of product design and suspected German Ryan Gantz. And Margaret Sullivan will end her run as Times public editor next year, but it’s not for me to say that I should replace her. I will leave that to others to demand.
The new Hermione is black, because the old one also could have been. Everything Is Broken Part MMMXCLVII: “Hello, Kiddie” and Juniper firewalls appear to be nothing but backdoors. The Internet of Things is still garbage. Want to read about Martin Shrekli2 some more? Hard to imagine why, but here’s his Vanity Fair profile. Also he got fired and his Twitter was hacked. The Shkreli backlash backlash can be expected in early January. Meanwhile, on Tumblr: queer witches are fighting about whether it’s ok to sell stolen human remains.
The Empire will never permit Jabba the Hut to take the Republican nomination
— Maria Bustillos (@mariabustillos) December 21, 2015
Go See A Star War: I don’t really agree with either of them but Richard Brody and David Edelstein had interesting reviews of The Force Awakens. The Verge went hard on the tech angle. And bros claiming Rey is a Mary-Sue: shaddap. There are five more Star Wars films in development, and they clearly don’t have to be any good, so it looks like there will be new Star Wars movies long after all of us are dead. The only thing you really should read about Star Wars is Jon Bois on the infamous 1978 Star Wars Christmas Special.
It’s hard to believe but we only have three more days with Intern José! On Wednesday, he will be taking over entirely for his Graduation Tabs, and I hope he will tell us whether online media looks more or less promising than indie music after his month here on media’s Jakku, at the provincial outer fringes of the Empire.
I’ve walked into a sign just like that. Yet another thing Kanye and I have in common.
Today’s Year End List: Caitlyn White’s 10 Most Overrated Albums of 2015 is entirely correct.
~When 900 tabs you read… Look as good, you will not.~
Happy shortest day of the year from Today in Tabs! It all gets better from here until it starts getting worse again. For two more days you will find us on Fast Company or in your email and then it’s too late until next year! Not that I’m looking forward to it.3