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Today in Tabs: Look At These Rich Idiots Suffering On Mars

The Mars colony is definitely going to end with cannibalism.

Today in Tabs: Look At These Rich Idiots Suffering On Mars

The Future. What time will it happen? No one knows. But it will happen soon, and before you even realize it, the future will be the past. So let’s look back from the distant future at the past that is going to have happened in the slightly-less-distant future. The One Percent will have escaped Earth’s worsening climate for the balmy -80 degree F, 95% CO2 atmosphere of Mars, if the rest of us are lucky. They do, after all, literally think they are Luke Skywalker. Those of us left behind will have been subject to the absurdly broad Cybersecurity Information Sharing Act that Congress just stuffed into an omnibus spending bill like a poisoned candy bar into a really big bag of other poisoned candy bars. Climate change here on Earth will have created more violent extremists, but we will at least all have been glad that we don’t live on Mars. Because I mean, what kind of idiot wants to live on Mars? That has to be the stupidest dream imaginable. George Hotz, having released the first $1,000 DIY self-driving car conversion kit will have been the only billionaire to remain on Earth, due to not being a blithering nincompoop. He will also have hosted a wildly popular TV show called Look At These Rich Idiots Suffering On Mars, which became first an entire TV channel and then the only thing anyone watched on TV, until at last every narcissistic knucklehead who blasted off for Mars starved to death. Then they started making new seasons of House of Cards again, which I guess was ok.

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Wow! The future is gonna be terrible. The first reviews of the new Star Wars movie are out, and The Verge and Vanity Fair both say: “it good,” as if any review was going to change whether you’d see it. Slack is a platform now: Splatform. Yahoo had a holiday party that was so lavish they rented a live Marissa Mayer just for the photobooth. Tarin Towers bought a gun in California. Turns out, it’s not very difficult! And remember Left Shark? That was this year, so I may have been wrong above, when I asserted that the future would ever happen.

Ugh, there was another Republican debate. The noncontenders mentioned Reince Pubis and four dicks, but the main news is that Donald Trump became the establishment candidate despite (because of?) his not saying anything that was true. Jeb‽ called him the Chaos Candidate, but even that backfired because come on, that sounds pretty cool. This might as well be the cover of Trump’s first rap record:


V$VP DONVLD, DROPS NOV 2016

Remember, you can’t spell “triumph” without Trump!1

Intern José couldn’t make it today so joining us instead is his thinly disguised alter ego DJ Chad.

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by JOSÉ DÍAZ ROHENA

This is KTaBS FM, cominatcha ¡en vivo! from Phinney Ridge, Washington. Chad here, I’ll be working on my night moves all night, so just honk if you’re lonely, all right? Radio died for me when the local “all songs of the ‘60s and ‘70s” station changed formats to “Classic Hits” (i.e.: Journey, essentially) and then to Christian Contemporary. I just subscribed to Spotify because the only thing I ever discovered on KEXP was “Sister Jack” and by then it was far too late to leverage Spoon for cred. I am too lazy to organize my mostly illegally downloaded music library—it lives on an external HD so my laptop gets confused.2, 3 I’m actually sitting with expensive headphones on, not listening to any music. I can listen to just about anything I want—but what do I want to listen to?

Now, a word from our sponsors.

Poet and video artist Leena Joshi just put up new work on Vimeo, which I’m going to watch on repeat until I figure something out. Forbes is packaging their leadership seminar clickbait as if it were a picture book. Disclaimer—I only linked the Forbes article as a reference; I only clicked the Forbes article for lols. Carly Fiorina plays with dogs, snacks on Milk Bone, and claimed that President Obama has eaten dog? Of all the things this Tabs internship would entail, I never thought it would include searching for “has Obama eaten a dog.” If you figure out what the hell is going on here please get in touch. I think the point is to humanize her, but all I got out of it was that she does indeed have a Cruella de Vil vibe. Maybe she saw that “Drunk Girls Get Surprised With Puppies” thing and thought, “hey me too!”

Mahalo y’all,
~ya boy Chad~

You know who’d love to eat a dog? The last man alive on Mars, Peter Thiel. But all he had to eat was the freeze-dried remains of Elon Musk. In retrospect, cremating Bezos was short-sighted.

Oh My God:An Unbelievable Story of Rape” is impeccably reported and written, and completely devastating.

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All I Want For Christmas: is Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas” converted to MIDI and then back to MP3. [more via Andy Baio]

Today’s Song: Bomb The Music Industry!, “Wednesday Night Drinkball

~Maybe I could do this right for once, get my ducks in a row and just stop talking tabs or whatever they say.~

The week is half over, the year is almost done, and statistically, the good old days are probably behind us. This is where I would love to say something encouraging but… nope. Thanks to Fast Company and subscribe here before it’s too late for us all.


  1. Or strumpet. Or ultrasimple, superparasitism, immunoelectrophoretic, subprimate, spectrofluorometer or erumpent, for what it’s worth.  ↩

  2. Rusty, is my honorary white privilege enough for me to get away with admitting that?  ↩

  3. Um sorry, no, honorary white privilege is like the keys to the city. It’s just to make you feel good. If you try to actually use it they’ll arrest you as a burglar. –RF ↩

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