you used to call me on my self owns
— Becca Laurie, PI (@imbeccable) December 16, 2015
The Future. What time will it happen? No one knows. But it will happen soon, and before you even realize it, the future will be the past. So let’s look back from the distant future at the past that is going to have happened in the slightly-less-distant future. The One Percent will have escaped Earth’s worsening climate for the balmy -80 degree F, 95% CO2 atmosphere of Mars, if the rest of us are lucky. They do, after all, literally think they are Luke Skywalker. Those of us left behind will have been subject to the absurdly broad Cybersecurity Information Sharing Act that Congress just stuffed into an omnibus spending bill like a poisoned candy bar into a really big bag of other poisoned candy bars. Climate change here on Earth will have created more violent extremists, but we will at least all have been glad that we don’t live on Mars. Because I mean, what kind of idiot wants to live on Mars? That has to be the stupidest dream imaginable. George Hotz, having released the first $1,000 DIY self-driving car conversion kit will have been the only billionaire to remain on Earth, due to not being a blithering nincompoop. He will also have hosted a wildly popular TV show called Look At These Rich Idiots Suffering On Mars, which became first an entire TV channel and then the only thing anyone watched on TV, until at last every narcissistic knucklehead who blasted off for Mars starved to death. Then they started making new seasons of House of Cards again, which I guess was ok.
What happens when the workers at the inflatable rat company go on strike?
— Mac Rogers (@macwrites) December 16, 2015
Wow! The future is gonna be terrible. The first reviews of the new Star Wars movie are out, and The Verge and Vanity Fair both say: “it good,” as if any review was going to change whether you’d see it. Slack is a platform now: Splatform. Yahoo had a holiday party that was so lavish they rented a live Marissa Mayer just for the photobooth. Tarin Towers bought a gun in California. Turns out, it’s not very difficult! And remember Left Shark? That was this year, so I may have been wrong above, when I asserted that the future would ever happen.
Ugh, there was another Republican debate. The noncontenders mentioned Reince Pubis and four dicks, but the main news is that Donald Trump became the establishment candidate despite (because of?) his not saying anything that was true. Jeb‽ called him the Chaos Candidate, but even that backfired because come on, that sounds pretty cool. This might as well be the cover of Trump’s first rap record:
Remember, you can’t spell “triumph” without Trump!1
Intern José couldn’t make it today so joining us instead is his thinly disguised alter ego DJ Chad.
You know who’d love to eat a dog? The last man alive on Mars, Peter Thiel. But all he had to eat was the freeze-dried remains of Elon Musk. In retrospect, cremating Bezos was short-sighted.
Oh My God: “An Unbelievable Story of Rape” is impeccably reported and written, and completely devastating.
Today’s Song: Bomb The Music Industry!, “Wednesday Night Drinkball“
~Maybe I could do this right for once, get my ducks in a row and just stop talking tabs or whatever they say.~
The week is half over, the year is almost done, and statistically, the good old days are probably behind us. This is where I would love to say something encouraging but… nope. Thanks to Fast Company and subscribe here before it’s too late for us all.
Or strumpet. Or ultrasimple, superparasitism, immunoelectrophoretic, subprimate, spectrofluorometer or erumpent, for what it’s worth. ↩
Um sorry, no, honorary white privilege is like the keys to the city. It’s just to make you feel good. If you try to actually use it they’ll arrest you as a burglar. –RF ↩