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Today in Tabs: [ADD RELEVANT TITLE JOKE HERE]

Seriously, though, donate to Planned Parenthood right now.

Today in Tabs: [ADD RELEVANT TITLE JOKE HERE]
[Source images: EJ Hersom/Flickr user DoD News Features, @BooDooPerson]

The quiet holiday weekend dragged on for nearly one and a half whole days before a terrorist attacked the Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs, ultimately murdering Garrett Swasey, a police officer and father of two young children, and two civilians: Jennifer Markovsky, a 35-year-old mother of two, and Ke’Arre Stewart, an Army veteran who served in Iraq and was also a father of two. Of course, as Republican strategist Amanda Carpenter told Yahoo News’s Hunter Walker, this was “politically uncomfortable” for the Republican presidential candidates, who naturally find it awkward when their womens’ health and gun control policies are implemented by freelancers. They all ultimately made the prudent decision not to openly praise the shooter. Ben Carson suggested a peaceful dialogue would be a good way to decide whether mothers, police officers, and military vets should be murdered. Carly Fiorina called the killer “a protester” just like Black Lives Matter. Mike Huckabee called it “domestic terrorism” (hey that’s pretty good right–) “…especially for those us in the pro-life movement.” (oh.) The killer is already being carefully excised from his community of violent radicals, but Secret Gamer Girl is not going to let that stand. She traced the very clear and open connections between the Planned Parenthood attacker, the men who attacked Black Lives Matter protesters in Minneapolis, Gamergate, and the internet’s white supremacist movement. It’s long but if you read nothing else about all this chaos, read this, and understand: this is an organized terrorist movement. The other thing you should read, which is much shorter, is Roqayah Chamseddine on why no one needs your sarcastic performative jokes about tragedy: “What many are calling sarcasm is in fact nothing more than an impotent masquerade.” You can donate to Planned Parenthood here.

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BuzzFeed’s McKay Coppins started his book tour in The Washington Post with a look at where Trump’s support comes from, and continued it on his own site with some Bush/Rubio backstory. Oops, I think I just invented a slash genre. Jay Rosen wrote about what the so-called “laws of political gravity” really are, although he doesn’t speculate on whether Trump’s overt lies and fascist views will limit his appeal in a general election. And Matt Taibbi made this very good point:

It was preposterous from the start to think that there could have been contemporaneous broadcasts of “thousands” of people in New Jersey celebrating the 9/11 attacks. Does nobody remember how people felt that day? If there had been such broadcasts, there would have been massacres – angry Americans would have stormed Jersey City.

French authorities are using the emergency powers granted them after the Paris attacks to prevent environmental protests because no one can stop being the worst for one hot second. Tech companies waste enormous amounts of food, but they also created meal kit services like Blue Apron to help you turn food waste into regular plastic waste. When two wrongs don’t cancel each other out I think we call that “synergy.” Gawker’s one black friend, Jason Parham, wrote a gift guide for what to get your one black friend before Gawker gave him the gift of unemployment. Today Gawker Media posted a number of editorial job openings to replace all the people they fired before the holidays. Perhaps they’ll find a new black friend! And Jimmy Fallon invented the Millennial clip-on tie, the iPhone case pocket square.

Music journalism has always been kind of bad. But the last few days were pretty extra. First VICE’s Noisey posted the “Penelope Cruz fucks a steak” of Carly Rae Jepsen interviews. Throughout what appears to have been an excruciating lunch, Kyle Kramer maintained the fiction that he was on a first date with Jepsen, which made what should have been a tedious but ordinary star profile into an unbearable exercise in about.me-ism, and relegated Jepsen to merely an unwilling accessory in the uninteresting story of Kramer’s neuroses. Then Yahoo Music aggregated an unfinished Mic post that was prepped for the possibly impending release of Rihanna’s new album, “Anti.” Which is pretty standard, but it got passed around social media due to inadvertently truthful TKs like “[HYPER-LINK TO RAP GENIUS]” and “[NAME RELEVANT SONG FROM ANTI THAT MATCHES DESCRIPTION].” It was still better than most Pitchfork reviews. Ultimately Rihanna didn’t even release the album, just another teaser video. As of press time, the #RihannaNavy remained bottled up in Cadiz. And when mainstream journalism and music news meet, too often the result is nonsense like: Using the Blockchain to Reinvent the Music Business.

All of which is a long way of introducing your December intern, José Díaz Rohena. Among other things, he’s going to follow music news for us, but I’ll let him introduce himself:

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by JOSÉ DÍAZ ROHENA

Hi. I’m José Díaz Rohena. I’m a Seattle-based musician, producer, and Snake Person. I’m also one of the 3 brown people at the Indie Rock Show. You’ll find that many of my tabs deal with the somewhat tenuous business of making and selling music.

Since Seattle now is like San Francisco just at the cusp of sucking, I may share stories about my real job in what is essentially the dining hall of a Tech Dorm, like the table of game developers I saw messing around with one of those android VR headset things during the lunch rush.

Otherwise, I’ll be trying to achieve bourgeois middle class living (thanks Mami) via rock and roll. Since making it as a rock band (or recording engineer) in 2015 typically means “working at a chill coffee shop in a #relevant neighborhood,” plans B and C are quickly becoming plan A.

But who knows! The future is boundless, and I hear that Tabs Interns get great jobs and hella perks (droit du seigneur, honorary white privilege, etc.1). I hope you enjoy our time together. I know I will. Any comments or complaints can be sent to my twitter.

Welcome José! I only had to rewrite 90% of this, so you’re already doing better than Bijan. I would also like to point out the hilarious coincidence that José is being sponsored by both Serious Eats and Soylent, which I think says everything that needs to be said about you, the Today in Tabs audience. Oh also, José will be required to consume nothing but Soylent for the month of December. I may have forgotten to mention that? My bad José! Your first pallet load should be there any minute.

Today’s Impossible Quiz: Pokemon or Big Data?

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Today in Bees: Bee colonies hit a 20-year high?

Today’s Song: Regina Spektor, “On the Radio

~In my book, The America We Deserve – I said tabs: better watch them, bad guys~

Today in Tabs is so excited to have an intern again. I’ll try to remember how to not write so much. I’ve got some other good surprises coming up this month too! Crack a Soylent and get ready. Thanks as always to Fast Company and subscribe by email.


  1. This is true. —R ↩

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